For dickheads who create one word, when two (or none) will do...
By Natalie Cox
Sometimes, the only way women can understand difficult concepts - like a shoe crisis - is by condensing it into a helpful catchphrase. Created via the process of merging words together, these witticisms would leave Oscar Wilde spinning in his grave (good on him, it’s great for toning your thighs). In case you’re struggling to keep up with these linguistic voyages of bullshit, we’ve written a handy guide.
Buysexual Just in case you were worried that buying all those Louboutin shoes whilst living off Sainsbury’s own instant noodles was pretty fucking weird, here is a word to make it okay. You are a buysexual, buying clothes is in your genetic makeup, so who can even get mad when you can’t pay your rent and have to become a topless dancer to support your habit? Haters gonna hate.
Cheapuccino If for some weird reason you have a problem with paying four quid for a coffee in Starbucks, peasant, get thee hence to coffee republic and order a small filter coffee. I hope the guilt at being tight depletes your caffeine buzz.
Fauxpology Pretty self-explanatory, expect to receive one from a frenemy.
Mompetition That thing that makes nouveau riche mothers send their kids to advanced pottery and taekwondo classes before they’re three years old. Also the reason why yummy mummys get up at 4am to to 3 stealth hours on the cross trainer everyday so they can eat a biscuit at the PTA meeting later.
Procrastineating The eight billionth word that both justifies and chastises women for eating food.
Sexorcism Still hung up on your ex? Why not indulge in some sexual healing by boning a random, oh sorry, I meant moving on with your love life. Perhaps some sexting will suffice for those worried about succumbing to hiberdating, whereby a new relationship means you don’t meet your gal pals everyday for cocktails as Sex In The City dictates you must.
Shoemageddon Did Steve Tyler ever contort his monkey features into a croon about footwear in that movie? Before you start humming ‘I don’t wanna miss a slingback’, know that the only way women can relate to the end of the world is to imagine that someone shat on her shoe collection.
See also: shoemiliate, for example, if you parents bought you ugly shoes as a child that you were forced to wear, they were unwittingly shoemiliating you, the bastards.
Tanorexia This is when you’ve spent too long at the Fake Bakery, you know, when you think you’re too pale when you’re really the colour of Katie Price in a shit storm.
N.b. not to be confused with manorexia, which is an eating disorder just for men. Like a Yorkie bar, but not.
Tree-book What did you do before you could get Confessions Of A Shopaholic on your Kindle? Books existed, made from trees, some had long words in. Don’t worry about it though, by not buying tree books you’re saving the polar bears.
Yestergay You know when your friend you thought was gay starts dating a straight person? They’re not bi, they’re ‘yestergay’. Maybe you should tell them, they’d probably appreciate your insight.
See also: manpanion, two men who may or may not be sleeping together, but are choosing not to tell, how dull of them! They certainly won’t become engayed anytime soon...