From: Glamour Features Editor
To: FHM Features Editor
Subject: new biscuit!
The spring event we’ve been waiting
for! And when I say we, I didn’t mean
you. We’re running an interview with the
biscuit, and we were told it was
exclusive. Apparently you’ve got an interview with it coming out next month
too? Sloppy journalism – I don’t think your readers will be interested, they
won’t appreciate the subtlety and nuance of
the biscuit like our readers do.
From: FHM Features Editor
To: Glamour Features Editor
Re: new biscuit!
I don’t know what you’re talking
about, this is our exclusive. This
biscuit really appeals to our target audience – it’s a macho snack you can grab
when you’re gaming without having to worry about girly things like basting and
roasting. You don’t even need to look away from Call of Duty, let alone stand up and cook. Plus it comes in a
variety of manly flavours, like chocolate. You don’t let your readers eat
chocolate, do you? Don’t you spend all your time telling them they’re not thin
enough and recommending water-only diets or whatever?
From: Glamour Features Editor
To: FHM Features Editor
Re: Re: new biscuit!
That was a gross simplification of
our Little Liquid You diet, which happened to include some fairly substantial
soups. And actually, this biscuit is perfect for our readers. It’s high in
fibre and can be eaten quickly and furtively in a locked bathroom, freeing up
more time to buy Mary Janes in neon rainbow colours, perfect your spunk-gargling
technique and cry. Besides, we’ve got another angle – the different coloured
packets of biscuit are a unique and easy way to accessorise any outfit, and
suitable for the daywear/evening wear transition. Which obviously is something
you’ve got no idea about.
From: FHM Features Editor
To: Glamour Features Editor
Re: Re: Re: new biscuit!
Er, actually, the modern FHM reader
has a minor and extremely heterosexual interest in sartorial statement, we just
didn’t think it was such a massive deal
because we’re thinking about something other than clothes and shoes all the
time, yeah? As it happens, we ARE
interested in the packet design, because it’s sleek, tight, Italian-made and
can probably do 0-60mph in four seconds if you throw it hard enough. Plus it’s
got a special tab to open it, and a reseal option. Our readers are up to date
with the latest technology and they’d like to hear about the reseal option.
From: Glamour Features Editor
To: FHM Features Editor
Re: Re: Re: Re: new biscuit!
Oh God, spare me your gadget geek
platitudes. Just because the biscuit has some savvy apps, doesn’t mean it
hasn’t got a heart. We’ve got a real exclusive
– the biscuit is finally speaking out about its tempestuous and emotional
relationship with the cup of tea, including how it felt submerged and smothered
by tea. (We might even mention what a slag the crumpet is.) We’re planning to
shoot the biscuit broken into pieces, slumped in defeat, under the headline
“CRUMBS! IS TEATIME OVER?” It’s going to be enormous.
From: FHM Features Editor
To: Glamour Features Editor
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: new biscuit!
All I can say is LOL ROFL LMAO.
Just because you make your readers feel shitty about their relationships,
doesn’t mean every celeb you interview has to jump on the masochistic
bandwagon. We’ve got the exclusive. The
biscuit actually enjoyed all that hardcore dunking and dipping with the cup of
tea – most biscuits do. The biscuit is going to reveal everything about the sorts
of depths and sogginess the cup of tea enjoyed, with an accompanying salacious
photoshoot. Obviously we’d like to get an interview with the cup of tea, but
the biscuit’s agreed to be on the front cover with all its raisins digitally
removed, and a pair of flawless DD breasts Photoshopped onto it.
From: Glamour Features
Editor
To: FHM Features Editor
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: new biscuit!
Oh weird, we were going to do that
for the cover too.
