The Biscuit Exclusive


From: Glamour Features Editor
To: FHM Features Editor
Subject: new biscuit!

The spring event we’ve been waiting for! And when I say we, I didn’t mean you. We’re running an interview with the biscuit, and we were told it was exclusive. Apparently you’ve got an interview with it coming out next month too? Sloppy journalism – I don’t think your readers will be interested, they won’t appreciate the subtlety and nuance of the biscuit like our readers do.

From: FHM Features Editor
To: Glamour Features Editor
Re: new biscuit!

I don’t know what you’re talking about, this is our exclusive. This biscuit really appeals to our target audience – it’s a macho snack you can grab when you’re gaming without having to worry about girly things like basting and roasting. You don’t even need to look away from Call of Duty, let alone stand up and cook. Plus it comes in a variety of manly flavours, like chocolate. You don’t let your readers eat chocolate, do you? Don’t you spend all your time telling them they’re not thin enough and recommending water-only diets or whatever?

From: Glamour Features Editor
To: FHM Features Editor
Re: Re: new biscuit!

That was a gross simplification of our Little Liquid You diet, which happened to include some fairly substantial soups. And actually, this biscuit is perfect for our readers. It’s high in fibre and can be eaten quickly and furtively in a locked bathroom, freeing up more time to buy Mary Janes in neon rainbow colours, perfect your spunk-gargling technique and cry. Besides, we’ve got another angle – the different coloured packets of biscuit are a unique and easy way to accessorise any outfit, and suitable for the daywear/evening wear transition. Which obviously is something you’ve got no idea about.

From: FHM Features Editor
To: Glamour Features Editor
Re: Re: Re: new biscuit!

Er, actually, the modern FHM reader has a minor and extremely heterosexual interest in sartorial statement, we just didn’t think it was such a massive deal because we’re thinking about something other than clothes and shoes all the time, yeah? As it happens, we ARE interested in the packet design, because it’s sleek, tight, Italian-made and can probably do 0-60mph in four seconds if you throw it hard enough. Plus it’s got a special tab to open it, and a reseal option. Our readers are up to date with the latest technology and they’d like to hear about the reseal option.

From: Glamour Features Editor
To: FHM Features Editor
Re: Re: Re: Re: new biscuit!

Oh God, spare me your gadget geek platitudes. Just because the biscuit has some savvy apps, doesn’t mean it hasn’t got a heart. We’ve got a real exclusive – the biscuit is finally speaking out about its tempestuous and emotional relationship with the cup of tea, including how it felt submerged and smothered by tea. (We might even mention what a slag the crumpet is.) We’re planning to shoot the biscuit broken into pieces, slumped in defeat, under the headline “CRUMBS! IS TEATIME OVER?” It’s going to be enormous.

From: FHM Features Editor
To: Glamour Features Editor
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: new biscuit!

All I can say is LOL ROFL LMAO. Just because you make your readers feel shitty about their relationships, doesn’t mean every celeb you interview has to jump on the masochistic bandwagon. We’ve got the exclusive. The biscuit actually enjoyed all that hardcore dunking and dipping with the cup of tea – most biscuits do. The biscuit is going to reveal everything about the sorts of depths and sogginess the cup of tea enjoyed, with an accompanying salacious photoshoot. Obviously we’d like to get an interview with the cup of tea, but the biscuit’s agreed to be on the front cover with all its raisins digitally removed, and a pair of flawless DD breasts Photoshopped onto it.

From:  Glamour Features Editor
To: FHM Features Editor
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: new biscuit!

Oh weird, we were going to do that for the cover too.