You heard it here first, people who couldn't give a fuck about Grazia. Yes, that's right, Grazia now owns the colour yellow. But before I get to that I'll try and keep my lips closed firmly against the ever-swirling tide of vomit whirling around my mouth for long enough to give you a roundup of what else is going on in the Grazi Party.
If you read last week's issue of Grazia (I'm so terribly sorry for your loss) then you'll know that they are currently busy painting Demi Moore as a tragic human being. However, Demi didn't do anything that tragic this week so they've honed in on her young daughters instead. Basically they end up vaguely accusing Moore of fucking her daughters up by being addicted to prescription drugs, although they don't actually say that, a HOLLYWOOD SOURCE does. They just imply it. Anyway, it's pretty tedious and deeply tasteless.
In other celeb news (snoozeathon) Russell Brand is apparently after that popular proponent of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope, Zooey Deschanel. May the manic pixie dream girl and boy (for that is was he is) skip off happily into the sunset, for all I care. Oh, yeah, and they have renamed Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge "K-Middy' (I'm no royalist, but a tad overfamilar, no?)
Next up is "Do you have to put a man first to make a marriage actually work?" which is all fairly magazine-feminism-by-numbers. Basically Gwyneth Paltrow said something a bit tactless about needing to be a good wife to Chris Martin and a load of women who don't have time to cook their husbands dinner got a bit pissed off. I'm on board with some of it, or I would be if it wasn't so pointless. Plus on page 121 they have Gwyneth Paltrow's "doctor" talking about the "exhaustion epidemic" (next to a picture of a fresh faced model) and this is said:
"Dr Lipman recently featured in one of Gwyneth's Goop newsletters, after the actress complained of feeling rundown"
"She's really healthy, but even Gwyneth feels exhausted at times" says Dr Lipman.
Maybe because she has to get her husband's dinner on the table before he comes home every night, hm?
"A typical victim is puffy-eyed, ageing fast and bloated."
Moving on past the standard Brangelina Boredom and a 500ish word token article about Syria, skipping past J-Lo's remarrying habit, and we get to the terrifying: HELLO...GRAZIA YELLOW
Yes, that's right. Grazia have co-opted the colour yellow. In collaboration with Pantone, who are also responsible for the colours spunk, baby poo and stomach bile, Grazia have been given their very own colour yellow. Which looks a lot like normal yellow, but then that's what Grazism's all about, isn't it? Maybe they feel they need more lebensraum as far as the spectrum's concerned (colour, not autistic) Either way, coincidentally loads of celebs have been wearing that same colour yellow and it's all thanks to them.
I was reading this on a bus and when I looked up I realised that the TFL bus colour scheme using pretty hefty amounts of Grazia yellow, too. COINCIDENCE? There seems to be a Grazist conspiracy afoot. Are Transport for London doing something about this? Ken, once you're elected, could you please spend less time talking about how the Tory party is riddled with homosexuals (surely it's the other way around, no?) and investigate this conspiracy. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid, which, according to Grazia last week, is THE NEW DEPRESSION.
Then we have a pretty well-meaning article about the Miss Representation documentary. The headline reads "WHY ARE WOMEN SEEN AS A DITZ OR A BITCH?" again, nothing to moan about and pretty feminism-by-numbers except for the fact that the magazine go and undermine their whole fucking point on page 76 with "CAREER SUCCESS is all about BEING SELFISH- you just need to learn how to do it without being branded the OFFICE BITCH." I could make a pretty comprehensive list of all the women Grazia regularly put in the "ditz" or "bitch" category, but frankly I can't be arsed and will probably just ask my GP (Hi Janet!) to up my medication.
I'll finish off with something that actually made me laugh out loud on the tube. It's from an article called "Mind your Exiquette." See picture.
A hideous betrayal? Really? Surely screwing someone else is waaaaay worse. And who is this mythological boyfriend who gives a fuck about curtains? Do you know many men who would seek advice on this topic? And if they did, would you be interested if they came to you? Because if my boyfriend asked me for advice on this topic I would invite his ex round to dinner if it meant I didn't have to talk about it. And what makes you think that she gives a shit about curtains, either?
GRAZIA. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT CURTAINS.