In these uncertain
economic times, being beautiful is as important as ever. After all, how else
can you expect to get that high-profile fashion job you’ve been lusting after? Not
through things like TALENT or EXPERIENCE, that’s for sure! It’s so important
that, during your time on benefits, you stay fresh faced and peachy keen. So
you only get £53 a week in dole money- SO WHAT? So unemployment is at an all
year high- SO WHAT? So you’ll never meet a rich man to marry at the jobcentre-
SO WHAT? There are no excuses for being a slattern, and no crisis is big enough
to warrant neglecting your appearance, which is why we’ve provided you with
these handy tips to keep you in the (euro) zone.
MASCARA- That’s right girls: one coat only of mascara suffices- NO MORE DOUBLE
DIP. Dip the wand once, and once only, into the pot and apply. You may not look
as doe eyed as you once did, but it’ll make your make-up last longer. Unless,
of course, you’re waking up every morning and bursting into floods of tears because
of the sheer hopelessness of your economic situation, nay, existence. In that
case, MAN UP and shoplift some waterproof mascara from one of the pound shops
in Brixton (Jail is warmer than your house, probs.)
FOUNDATION- So you’ve gone from “It Bag” to “Shit Bag”. Poverty can make you come
out in a rash, so it’s important to look after your skin. If you mix your
foundation with moisturiser, not only will it last longer but it will also give
you a glowing complexion. Just be careful not to touch anyone in the dole office
because you may get ringworm. Highly contagious and not.attractive.
TOOTHPASTE ETC- A necessity, but an expensive one. If you have
a boyfriend or a flatmate, just use theirs, ensuring that you never have to buy
it again. Do the same with make-up (flatmate) and razors (boyfriend) and you’re
pretty much halfway to almost being your normal self again (you will never
fully claw yourself back from this). For toilet paper, old receipts from when
you were an actual member of society and not the scrounging dole monkey that
you now are work perfectly well, as do old copies of the Mail calling you a shitsack
waste of space.
SLEEP- You won’t get any, because you’ll be tossing and turning all night in
the anxiety that you may never raise your head above the poverty line again, to
happily breathe in the fresh, wonderful air of being mainstream. As a result,
half the time you will look like a haggard old crone, but remember, no matter
how bad things seem, you will be needing your beauty sleep if you ever want
THAT GUY who’s interviewing to take you seriously. 10mg of Temazepam should do
the trick. OK, it’s a highly addictive benzodiazepam which sends you into a
deep, dreamless sleep from which you could never emerge, but come on, it’s not
like you have to get out of bed in the morning, is it?
EXERCISE- Thanks to Boris Johnson’s ruthless fare campaign (NB the world stops
outside the M25), you probably can’t afford to get the bus to the jobcentre
anyways, necessitating a walk through the pouring rain to the jobcentre while
the vomit resulting from last night’s two-for-a-fiver-on-Italian-wine binge festers
in your stomach like magi mixed pancake batter. But on the plus side, your
calves will be TO DIE FOR.
EATING HEALTHILY
You won’t be able to,
so don’t.
