Yesterday was a good
day, what with the Vagenda being on Radio Four, hitting a quarter of a million hits, and sampling
pretty much the BEST CHEESECAKE THAT HAS EVER PASSED MY LIPS (white chocolate
and ginger, FYI). The maraschino cherry which topped off Tuesday, however, was
my boyfriend picking up the Socialist Worker and reading that our Lord and
Master David Cameron used to be on the board of directors for the sleaze filled
sweatbox of a nightclub that is TIGER TIGER.
Oh, it is impossible
to express the joy I felt on hearing this news. Being the Tory-bashing liberal
that I am, having worked for nightclub behemoth Novus back in 2007, and having
once, to my eternal chagrin, actually been to Tiger Tiger on a night out, this
news was like every childhood Christmas (except the one where mum cried) all
rolled into fucking one.
Pretty ironic that the
head of a government currently engaged in trying to tackle the binge drinking
epidemic once has £40,000 worth of shares in a company which basically
encourages it, eh?
But then again, what’s
the difference between being on the board of directors of our fair Albion, and
being on the board of directors of Tiger Tiger? Almost nothing, it turns out.
Tiger Tiger is basically a microcosm of the United Kingdom, and
1.) A night out at Tiger Tiger and being a citizen
of the United Kingdom both render the consumption of life threatening levels of
alcohol as a coping mechanism wholly mandatory. In both, WKD blue flows freely
like a Tulleries fountain.
2.) Looks shiny from the outside. Once you’re in
the illusion shatters when you realise someone (usually a woman) is being
shafted in the corner.
3.) Large groups of arrogant city boys stand around
mindlessly braying but lack credentials. The leader of the pack’s wingman looks
on, unable to offer a single valuable contribution to the discussion at hand.
4.) Based on cheap, exploitative foreign labour.
5.) Women are regarded with deep suspicion, as
“other.” They huddle together in groups, unsure whether they are hunter or
hunted, predator or prey, until one of the lads placates them with a token
6.) Terrorist threat.
7.) Financial meltdown in 2009.
8.)Badly run, with a hardline, iron fisted
management style that is almost psychopathic in its lack of sympathy.
9.) Constant feelings of impending nausea.
10.) Chinos. In abundance.