Advice My Mother Gave Me

This teacup of flowers is the kind of naff shit my mum hates

One of the best gifts my mum gave me, apart from life and her vinyl record collection, is that of advice. I am not about to return that gift with some shitty gingham checked, cupcake baking, fifties throwback manual recommended by Waterstones. I can safely say that my mother doesn’t give a fuck about any of the stuff that society says she should, like shoes or matching furniture. Thank God.

So, in honour of Mothers’ Day, I’d like to list ten of the best bits of info she has ever given me, as a way of saying thank you for the hours of agonising labour she underwent in order to bring me into the world (at 9lbs 10 oz, I was a FAT BABY) Thanks, mum. You are so cool, and I will never live up to you.

1.)  That just because you’re a girl, it doesn’t mean that people can treat you badly. THAT is why feminism exists.

2.)  That it’s OK to sleep around at college, provided you are safe and happy. But that doesn’t mean that one-night stands can’t be soulless. P.S. That was pre-AIDS, nowadays you should always use a condom.

3.)  That if you hate your job so much that it makes you feel dizzy when you walk into the office, you should just quit.

4.)  That learning to be assertive, rather than aggressive or passive, will get you far in life. Don’t stand for any bullshit.

5.)  That if a man grabs you, kick and punch and scream your head off. Attract as much attention to yourself as possible (this saved my life.)

6.)  That you should never, ever work in advertising. She lasted two days at Saatchi & Saatchi before being sacked. I managed one at VCCP. She has never been prouder.

7.)  That feminism is about CHOICE. And that if you choose to stay at home to look after your kids and paint, rather than take some mindless capitalist drone job, then that’s OK. As long as you’re happy.

8.)  That material things are of little importance, and that you can get by on a surprisingly little amount if you have to. Also that charity shops are excellent sources of eccentric clothing.

9.)  That music should be played often, and at optimum volume.

10.)  That you should never, EVER fuck a Conservative. 

Follow us on twitter