This teacup of flowers is the kind of naff shit my mum hates
One of the best gifts my mum gave me, apart from life
and her vinyl record collection, is that of advice. I am not about to return
that gift with some shitty gingham checked, cupcake baking, fifties throwback
manual recommended by Waterstones. I can safely say that my mother doesn’t give
a fuck about any of the stuff that society says she should, like shoes or
matching furniture. Thank God.
So, in honour of Mothers’ Day, I’d like to list ten of
the best bits of info she has ever given me, as a way of saying thank you for
the hours of agonising labour she underwent in order to bring me into the world
(at 9lbs 10 oz, I was a FAT BABY) Thanks, mum. You are so cool, and I will
never live up to you.
1.) That
just because you’re a girl, it doesn’t mean that people can treat you badly.
THAT is why feminism exists.
2.) That
it’s OK to sleep around at college, provided you are safe and happy. But that
doesn’t mean that one-night stands can’t be soulless. P.S. That was pre-AIDS, nowadays
you should always use a condom.
3.) That
if you hate your job so much that it makes you feel dizzy when you walk into
the office, you should just quit.
4.) That
learning to be assertive, rather than aggressive or passive, will get you far
in life. Don’t stand for any bullshit.
5.) That
if a man grabs you, kick and punch and scream your head off. Attract as much
attention to yourself as possible (this saved my life.)
6.) That
you should never, ever work in advertising. She lasted two days at Saatchi
& Saatchi before being sacked. I managed one at VCCP. She has never been
prouder.
7.) That
feminism is about CHOICE. And that if you choose to stay at home to look after
your kids and paint, rather than take some mindless capitalist drone job, then
that’s OK. As long as you’re happy.
8.) That
material things are of little importance, and that you can get by on a
surprisingly little amount if you have to. Also that charity shops are
excellent sources of eccentric clothing.
9.) That
music should be played often, and at optimum volume.
10.) That you should never, EVER fuck a
Conservative.
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