Sigmund Freud, that old
penis-smoking, mother-loving fugger, once noncommittally undermined female
sexuality for almost a century by differentiating between orgasms – the
‘immature’ clitoral orgasms and the ‘mature’ vaginal orgasm. Generations later
Freud is such a mythical figure that Aragorn from Lord of the Rings is taking
time out of his busy schedule slaying orcs and pulling strained faces at elves
to portray him, and we’re still stuck
with this idea that one orgasm is better than another. Pink-edged articles with
pictures of a winsome girl in a bra squashed under a man haemorrhaging
intensity shriek useless advice: Follow this diet and your whoopsie will tingle
within! Concertina yourself into this position and your hoo haa will unfold
from the inside out! Buy this magazine and you will be able to have a clitoral
orgasm and a vaginal orgasm at the
same time, because whatever frenzied peak of pleasure you just reached, it
clearly wasn’t good enough! Also, you’re fat.
Sometimes I have one sort.
Sometimes I have the other. Sometimes I just want to brush my teeth
platonically and go to bed. Some women I know can only have one sort, and some
can only get their jollies through oral or wanking. Some have multiple orgasms,
all the damn time. So what? Some people can roll their tongues and some can’t.
Some people can turn their tongues upside
down in their mouths. No cover feature on an eye-level shelf has ever
recommended a mouth exercise regime that will elasticate my tongue and vastly
improve my kissing technique, because Freud didn’t train as an ear, mouth and
throat specialist. It’s all so… silly. It should really be passé, but somehow
this (non)issue keeps coming up, and instead of saying, ‘If it feels good,
you’re doing it right, and if it doesn’t, do something else,’ women’s magazines
are trying to create a Universal Geometry for Freakin’. Woe betide if you fall
slightly outside the calculations, you freak,
you wretch, you pitiable contemptible weeper.
The ‘fun’ doesn’t stop there. In
the sketchy amount of research I did for this article (Freud for Completely Thick Bastards Who Should be Doing Some Work, re-reading
the excellent Hite Report and typing
‘orgasms’, ‘muff delights’ and ‘gner gner gner’ into Google) I discovered that apparently you can
have three, wait, five, wait, four, wait, eleven, wait, ten different kinds of
Do you remember, at school, being
told that a sneeze was one-tenth of an orgasm? And thinking, ‘Man, someone’s
not doing it right’? (Yet feeling slightly seedy and erotic when you caught a
cold a week later?) I feel a little like that when I’m told if I don’t fancy
period sex, I could always have a nipple orgasm. A nipple orgasm! It sounds
like the sort of thing that might result in cheese. (Think about it, then
However, I don’t want you to think
I’m crapping all over your happy aureoles. So I have provided a list of five
orgasms I have personally undergone and enjoyed, with instructions for you to
follow for the best vag joyride ever.
- The tummy
Lie yourself down
on a bed covered in rose petals and lavender. Have your man run the head of his
knob up and down your stomach (creating an incidental snail trail of pre-cum).
Give yourself in to the convulsions of tickles. Breathe. Let it flow over you.
This is your orgasm. Later, develop an allergic reaction to crushed flowers and
sweat making a noxious chemical soup between your shoulderblades.
- The ear
Turn on some
Barry White and draw the blinds. Sit down on your man’s lap and have him nibble
and suck on your ear, trailing his tongue along that sexy inside crease. After
fifteen minutes, get bored and ask him to stop. Feel your ear. See how wet you
are? You just came.
- The hair
Watch a shampoo
advert, any shampoo advert. Emulate.
ladybros, the orgasm is getting meta! Find the lyrics to ‘My Favourite Things’
and systematically partake of everything on the list. Brown paper packages tied
up with string? Send a parcel to your aunt. Apple strudel? Eat dessert for
dinner. Whiskers on kittens? OMFG KITTENS. Do you feel nice now? Yeah well that
was an orgasm, a sneeze times ten.
- The armpit
If you get some
soap – wait. Ok, so, some nice pefume – wait. A stiff brush and some cream
crackers and – wait. I don’t know. Just go and have a wank.