The Vagenda: The Five Types of Orgasm

Sigmund Freud, that old penis-smoking, mother-loving fugger, once noncommittally undermined female sexuality for almost a century by differentiating between orgasms – the ‘immature’ clitoral orgasms and the ‘mature’ vaginal orgasm. Generations later Freud is such a mythical figure that Aragorn from Lord of the Rings is taking time out of his busy schedule slaying orcs and pulling strained faces at elves to portray him, and we’re still stuck with this idea that one orgasm is better than another. Pink-edged articles with pictures of a winsome girl in a bra squashed under a man haemorrhaging intensity shriek useless advice: Follow this diet and your whoopsie will tingle within! Concertina yourself into this position and your hoo haa will unfold from the inside out! Buy this magazine and you will be able to have a clitoral orgasm and a vaginal orgasm at the same time, because whatever frenzied peak of pleasure you just reached, it clearly wasn’t good enough! Also, you’re fat.

Sometimes I have one sort. Sometimes I have the other. Sometimes I just want to brush my teeth platonically and go to bed. Some women I know can only have one sort, and some can only get their jollies through oral or wanking. Some have multiple orgasms, all the damn time. So what? Some people can roll their tongues and some can’t. Some people can turn their tongues upside down in their mouths. No cover feature on an eye-level shelf has ever recommended a mouth exercise regime that will elasticate my tongue and vastly improve my kissing technique, because Freud didn’t train as an ear, mouth and throat specialist. It’s all so… silly. It should really be passé, but somehow this (non)issue keeps coming up, and instead of saying, ‘If it feels good, you’re doing it right, and if it doesn’t, do something else,’ women’s magazines are trying to create a Universal Geometry for Freakin’. Woe betide if you fall slightly outside the calculations, you freak, you wretch, you pitiable contemptible weeper.

The ‘fun’ doesn’t stop there. In the sketchy amount of research I did for this article (Freud for Completely Thick Bastards Who Should be Doing Some Work, re-reading the excellent Hite Report and typing ‘orgasms’, ‘muff delights’ and ‘gner gner gner’ into Google) I discovered that apparently you can have three, wait, five, wait, four, wait, eleven, wait, ten different kinds of orgasms.

Do you remember, at school, being told that a sneeze was one-tenth of an orgasm? And thinking, ‘Man, someone’s not doing it right’? (Yet feeling slightly seedy and erotic when you caught a cold a week later?) I feel a little like that when I’m told if I don’t fancy period sex, I could always have a nipple orgasm. A nipple orgasm! It sounds like the sort of thing that might result in cheese. (Think about it, then recoil.)

However, I don’t want you to think I’m crapping all over your happy aureoles. So I have provided a list of five orgasms I have personally undergone and enjoyed, with instructions for you to follow for the best vag joyride ever.

Lie yourself down on a bed covered in rose petals and lavender. Have your man run the head of his knob up and down your stomach (creating an incidental snail trail of pre-cum). Give yourself in to the convulsions of tickles. Breathe. Let it flow over you. This is your orgasm. Later, develop an allergic reaction to crushed flowers and sweat making a noxious chemical soup between your shoulderblades.

Turn on some Barry White and draw the blinds. Sit down on your man’s lap and have him nibble and suck on your ear, trailing his tongue along that sexy inside crease. After fifteen minutes, get bored and ask him to stop. Feel your ear. See how wet you are? You just came.

Watch a shampoo advert, any shampoo advert. Emulate.

That’s right ladybros, the orgasm is getting meta! Find the lyrics to ‘My Favourite Things’ and systematically partake of everything on the list. Brown paper packages tied up with string? Send a parcel to your aunt. Apple strudel? Eat dessert for dinner. Whiskers on kittens? OMFG KITTENS. Do you feel nice now? Yeah well that was an orgasm, a sneeze times ten.