Having trouble differentiating between four identical white male fascists? We show you how.
Being a citizen of the world, I thought I’d do some research
on the fab four currently in the running for the Republican candidacy in
America. Here’s the lowdown on the shit fondue of dumbasses hoping to knock
Obama off the top spot.
“The most serious, systematic
revolutionary of modern times.” Well, according to his good self, anyway. The
only thing Newty is revolutionising in me is the speed at which I just regurgitated
my ham sandwich. Just in case you were getting all swoony over his Che Guevara-ness,
he also said this about his first wife post-divorce:
“She isn’t young enough or pretty enough
to be the President’s wife.”
Newt did find time between cheating on
his first two wives to pen a novel. It missed out on a Pullitzer- awkward. I
leave you with an extract, please note the originality of characterisation:
"Suddenly the pouting sex kitten
gave way to Diana the Huntress. She rolled onto him and somehow was sitting
athwart his chest, her knees pinning his shoulders. 'Tell me, or I will make
you do terrible things.’”
Holocaust denier Ronnie is a real treat,
he’s not too keen on non-whites, gay people or those with AIDS (if you're black, gay, and suffering from AIDS, best go home now) ,
who appaz totes "enjoy the attention and pity that comes with being
Oh, and should you have the tenacity to be gay, he wants to
pop you right back into a life of shame and persecution: "I
miss the closet. Homosexuals, not to speak of the rest of society, were far
better off when social pressure forced them to hide their activities.” Yeah,
phwoar, you tell those gays Ron Paul!
But to be honest, someone who doesn’t
believe in evolution is always going to be pretty fucking mental. He’s got this
far purely because he wants to legalise pot, and I’m fervently hoping that he
eats one too many space cakes and takes a running jump off the Empire State.
This is the guy who’s going to win the
candidacy race, unless he gets caught with his pants down telling Larry the
intern to call him ‘Mr President’ when he gives Mitt the Lewinsky once over.
Mitt (if that even is his name, which I doubt) is
reassuringly not too fussed about poor people: "I'm not concerned about
the very poor. We have a safety net there." Oh good! Lucky poor people, they’ve
got Uncle Mitt hobbling after them with a net to stop, one assumes, the poor
people escaping and getting their dirty paw prints on Mitt’s nice new suit and
doing a poo on the bonnet of one of his wife’s Cadillacs. Apparently she drives
“a couple” of those. He’s really great at the whole ‘man of the people’ thing,
This is a whole new level of Rick Rolling.
“Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that's
okay, contraception is okay. It's not okay. It's a license to do things in a
sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be."
I imagine the last time anybody tried to have sex with
him he leapt onto the top of his wardrobe and emitted a high pitch squeal until
they left the room. Up next, working mothers:
“What happened in America so that mothers and fathers
who leave their children in the care of someone else […] find themselves more
affirmed by society? Here, we can thank the influence of radical
EMERGENCY STOP! Women are trying to be something other than
He’s also anti-abortion. What a gem.