The Axe Guide to Pleasing your Woman

So Axe, the toiletry brand for 12 year old boys have come up with a series of witty har har adverts that portray whipped guys and their STRONG WOMEN.

Axe is basically American Lynx. You know- The Lynx effect, whereby spraying your hairless chest with something akin to paint stripper infused with Glade Touch ‘n Fresh gets all the 16yr old girls dropping their can of Impulse in order to do the bend and snap. 

There are, according to the anthropologists at Axe, five types of woman:

Sporty Girl

“Show her how much she means to you in a way she’ll truly appreciate: the gift of physical violence and humiliation.” As man gets hit in face with tennis ball.

Oh sorry god awkward I just ROFLD so hard that I dropped my Wii remote, with which I was apparently bludgeoning the patriarchy, whilst playing Wii bowling with my boyfriend.

Flirty Girl

“Cool and confident in the knowledge that like a sexy chicken she will come to roost, and that not all her flirting is bad flirting.” As girlfriend starts chatting to other girl, instead of other guy, boyfriend looks on with glee.

It is absolutely true that every time I talk to a woman I don’t know, we are (in code) arranging a threesome.

Brainy Girl

Guy is watching a long play with girl, and then “and the award for best guy who’s about to get some goes to…you!”

Hey Axe, say wut? We don’t even get the joke here? Had the fumes from your shower gels melted your brains at this point? Had you had too many WKD Blues?

Party Girl

“She’s saving her last bit of energy for a very special thank you to the man who kept her entertained all night long.”

Yes, in my experience the life and soul of any rave is the girl who relies on her boyfriend to keep her entertained all night. Look at her go! She just got him a beer! I might start calling her Lindsay Lohan.

High Maintenance Girl

Apparently brunch is something women invented to be pedantic. Anyway, a man walking a dog opens a handbag all by himself, but, “luckily next up on her to-do list is you.”

Brilliantly, the shower gel at the end of this advert is called ‘Snake Peel’. Fairly sure any guy with Eau Du Discarded Snake Bits would be getting nowhere near my to-do list, but maybe I’m not high maintenance enough and Snake Peel is the new chemical peel or something.