Pop Songs Without the Patriarchy


At some stage in your life, it may have fleetingly crossed your mind that pop music - or its close relation, popular hip hop - is, well, kind of shit. All the women are either 'strippers' or 'gold-diggers', every situation revolves around weirdly old-fashioned ideas wrapped up in pornographic fantasy, and the sisters are there in one singular role: to please men with their nakedness. So, we thought we'd rewrite a couple of the classics to mix it up a bit in the hip-pop world. Like, maybe Eminem is just a green protestor with an overdraft, and T-Pain had a job interview in the media on his mind. Nelly could have been well into a conversation about the glass ceiling after a hard night's clubbing. Weirder things have happened, all right? So enjoy.


Keri Hilson - Lose Control (rewritten as ‘Lose the Chauvinism’)
Lyrics now:
Keri: Baby, I’m loving how it feels
Looking in your eyes
Ooh it sends me chills
All down my spine
But now the song is done
You can have another one
But first you’ve got to pay to see me.
Nelly: I gotta pay?!
How much?
Twenty thousand dollar, two hundred thousand, you name it
Beemer, Benz, or Bentley, Bugatti body, you claim it
And all of it depends on the way you shaking your anus
Had to valet park it to the red carpet
I’ll make you famous.

Feminist lyrics:
Baby, I’m loving how it feels
Looking in your eyes
Ooh it sends me chills
All down my spine
But now the song is done
You can walk me home
But first you’ve got to respect my boundaries.
Nelly: Respect?!
How much?
Reading up on Greer, or Wollstonecraft, you name it
Equal pay, shared housework, maternity leave, you claim it
And all of it depends on the protest and how you frame it
Had to valet park it to the red carpet
Because you’re famous.


Wyclef Jean - Perfect Gentleman (rewritten as ‘Sex Worker Unimpressed by Client’s Nutty Proposal’)
Lyrics now:
Wyclef: Ten grand - let me see you shake it like you got no bones in your body
And you was made to be a celebrity
Twenty grand - know it's a sin, but before me you show me a little more skin
It would fulfill my fantasy
Thirty grand - to the highest bidder
But Chris Rock said, 'There's no sex in the champagne room'
Forty grand - looked into her eyes, I saw tears falling down
The type of tears that money couldn't buy.
Excuse me, what is your name?
Hope: My name is Hope, yo
I was blessed with the body of the goddesses
Have you any idea how hard this is?
I could flex in 25 positions
But I only work here to pay my tuition
Yo, tantalising teaser
Table-top pleaser
Give me what I need-a, Mastercard or Visa
Lap dance fantasy
Picture us on an all-white canopy
Wyclef extended his hand to me
Like Billy D, said he's feeling me
Take me away from here, so far
Where they ride horses, not cars
No more stripping in bars
Me and you, 'Clef, against the odds.

Feminist lyrics:

Hope’s reply: My name is Hope, yo
I was blessed with a body of the goddesses
Have you any idea how hard this is?
I’ve been harassed in 25 districts
And I only work here to pay my tuition
Yo, chauvinistic sleaze-a
Shameless self-pleaser
Give me what I need-a, recognise my brains-a
Lap dance fantasy
Picture a world where that’s not me
Wyclef extended his hand to me
Signing up to the patriarchy
I’ll get away from here, so far
Driving my own expensive car
No more stripping in bars
You’re a dick, ‘Clef, say all the odds.

Eminem - Superman (rewritten as ‘Protest Dude in Debt’)

They call me Superman, leap tall hoes in a single bound
I'm single now, got no ring on this finger now
I'd never let another chick bring me down, in a relationship
Save it bitch - babysit? You make me sick
Superman ain't savin' shit, girl you can jump on Shady's dick
Straight from the hip, cut to the chase
I tell a muthafuckin' slut to her face
Play no games, say no names, ever since I broke up with what's-her-face
I'm a different man, kiss my ass, kiss my lips, bitch why ask?
Kiss my dick, get my cash, I'd rather have you whip my ass
Don't put out? I'll put you out
Won't get out? I'll push you out
Puss blew out, poppin' shit, wouldn't piss on fire to put you out
Am I too nice? Buy you ice
Bitch if you died, I wouldn't buy you life
What, you tryin' to be my new wife?
What, you Mariah? Fly through twice.
But I do know one thing though
Bitches, they come, they go
Saturday through Sunday, Monday
Monday through Sunday, yo'
Maybe i'll love you one day, maybe we'll someday grow
Till then just sit your drunk ass on that fuckin' runway, ho.

Feminist lyrics:
They call me Protest Dude, prejudice gone in a single bound
I’m single now, got no ring on this finger now
I’d never let a woman bring me down, in a relationship
But don’t like to bitch. Babysit? For twenty quid
RBS don’t save me shit, bank manager’s been such a dick
Straight from her lips, she cut to the chase
Told me my overdraft’s done to my face
Played no games, said no names, but ever since I broke up with what’s-her-face
I’m a different man, kissing ass, kiss my lips but you have to ask
Save the pounds, I’ll get my cash, finding a job and getting off my ass
Don’t put out? I’ll take it lightly
Won’t get out? I’ll ask politely
Bills are high, heatin’ shit, wouldn’t turn it up coz I’m too green
Am I too nice? I don’t use ice
Coz freezers are threatening future life
What, you want to be my new wife?
On our honeymoon, only fly twice.
But I do know one thing though
Relationships come and go
Saturday through Sunday, Monday
Monday through Sunday, yo'
Maybe I'll love you one day, maybe we'll someday grow
Till then I’ll lament the new runway at Heathrow.


T Pain - Can’t Believe It (rewritten as ‘Job Interview’)
Lyrics now:
T Pain/Lil Wayne: It ain’t trickin’ if I got what you askin’ for
Put you in a mansion, somewhere in Wisconsin
We could change the last name, what’s happenin’?
Coz you look good
Tell me why you wanna work here
I’ll put you on the front page of a king magazine
But you gonna get yourself hurt here
Baby, I brought you out the back coz you need a little persuasion
Plus ventilation.

Feminist lyrics:
It ain’t trickin’ if I got what you askin’ for
Put you on a pension, retire to Wisconsin
If you change your last name, it’s a shame
Coz yours was fine.
Tell me why you wanna work here
Want your writing on the front page of the Financial Times
But you have to practice your trade here
Lady, I brought you out the back coz in the front part of the office
We have bad ventilation.