Today I was simultaneously flicking through Reveal magazine and burning my fingertips with hot wax, in an effort to engender the embodiment of masochism. I had seen last month’s edition over the shoulder of an unsuspecting fellow commuter - ‘Is your daily coffee making you fat?’ it announced as its headline - and I knew instantly that this was a case for the Vagenda. So there I was, seven days later, flicking through 100 brightly coloured pages wherein lies a monster that says avoiding creamcakes is the new self-flagellation: fanatic, religious, and necessary to be pure. Bubbling under the surface of bitchy comments about women in dresses and diet pill adverts is this monster, and it’s out to get every teen, twenty- and thirty-something (its own professed demographic) that dares to spend 99p on its questionable content.
I wanted to write about Reveal, girls and guys, I really did. But it turns out that with such material at hand, the article writes itself. So here I give you true-to-the-letter excerpts from Reveal magazine, a tragic car crash of a ‘real life story’ in itself, so that you can weep into your fattening lattes for the future of humanity. Due to the formulaic nature of the features, I have presented them in an easy-to-read formulaic manner:
‘Don’t lose any more weight’: Slimline Adele is loving her trim new figure [a more pro-anorexia juxtaposition is surely impossible to find]
Holly’s weighty debate: Dressed in an unforgiving white outfit, curvy Holly Valance certainly doesn’t look her best
‘The Chocolate Diet’: lose up to half a stone in two weeks
Women having breakdowns
Rihanna’s rage as Chris rejects her
Lauren hits rock bottom: Still struggling to cope with her break-up from Mark Wright, Lauren Goodger resorted to shocking and dangerous measures last week
What has happened to Cher Lloyd? She’s only just starting out in the fame game, yet these pictures of Cher Lloyd show her looking frail and shattered
Stuff you should wear
Luminous animal prints
Bags with long fringes
Best feature award
‘Get your body baby-ready’ - something all girls aspire to.
Token advert that advocates self-hatred
And the most dangerous thing I found in Reveal this week? An advert stuck right in the middle of the magazine’s popular features, advertising diet pills with the line ‘I hated every kilo on my body.’ Every kilo, girls. It’s gonna be damn hard to shed them all, now, isn’t it?