Is it just me (yes, I did just open an article with “is it just me?”), or does the Kooples’ ad campaign make you want to vom? I can’t believe it would just be me. The androgynous French clothing brand, so they say, chooses ‘real life couples’ to model their chic fashion line, the members of which gaze smugly out at you from beneath their fringes as you anxiously finger your own home haircut, look down at your fat skinny-jean clad calves, and wonder whether there is such thing indefinable ‘hipster gene’ that you just haven’t got (there is. And you haven’t.)
Oh, sure, I like real life love and clothes as much as the next girl; so in theory, the aforementioned advertising campaign should lure me into one of their London based boutiques, kredit kard on standby. But it doesn’t. No Siree. In fact, I think I’ll give The Kooples in-store shopping experience a rather massivo swerve, would that I actually bump into any real-life condescending Kooples-klad nymphettes whist I’m in there, consequently squishing them with my clumsy British singleness.
‘Matt and Milly have been going out for two years’ the billboard of two tasty sugar coated youths tells me. Rather than being happy for Matt and Milly and their continued courtship, there is something about this elfin duo that makes me wish they would fuck right out of my face. These initial nigglings of agitation swell into a slightly spicier rage when I later look up The Kooples YouTube channel and hear what they have to say about each other; ‘When I first saw Matt I thought he was reeeally sweeeet’ coos Milly. ‘When I first saw Milly I thought she was really sweet,’ echoes Matt. Wow Guys! No wonder you’ve been such a great couple for two years if you’re both really sweet! ‘What’s the nicest thing Milly has ever done for me? Matt smiles with all the enthusiasm of a potato: ‘Well, for her twenty-first birthday she took both of us to a Greek island for two weeks and we had a great time.’ That must have been fun. I bet they had some really shit hot conversations when they were there... about, um.. their modeling contracts and, about.. how they’ve been going out for nearly two years and.. um...
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not how achingly attractive these models/couples are that puts me off this brand. It is a truth universally acknowledged that sexy people sell clothes. It’s not that. Rather, it’s the flaming smugness which radiates from them like kryptonite. Why can’t I suppress the feeling that it’s largely how reciprocally aesthetically pleasing they find each other that keeps the years ticking by on the relationship dial? I think we should revisit all of these couples in a few years for an update: ‘Matt and Milly are no longer a couple because Matt's balding and one of the side effects from his antidepressants include unprecedented weight gain. Milly feels that he is sucking the life of her and finds his man boobs are no longer compatible with their aesthetic as a couple.
Nonetheless, after an extensive YouTube perv, I conclude that some of these boys and girls, on their own or together, are genuinely rather rad; one of the French pairs for example - Frederick and Lara. Frederick is a bit of a joker who talks charismatically about how he got Lara drunk when they first met; Lara has a charming manner, an intelligent laugh and some serious legs. However, the majority of couples/kooples cause me to break out in full body cringe. When prompted to tell the camera what they like about each other, or what they first noticed about each other, the answers are largely bland and over rehearsed making them devoid of any meaning or romance. I’m not enamored by their tales, more bored and sceptical. What first attracted me to Jonas? (OK, let me guess… was it the fact that he’s a total HOTTIE perchance?)
I can’t remember what the real Jonas clincher was for Venus (yes, her name), because it was totally DULL, but I think it may have been something to do with Art or Berlin.
I’m being a bit ranty, I know. In fairness, I’m sure many of these kooplettes are madly in love for all the right reasons and it doesn’t just come down to looks and clothes. But if the couples are to be positioned as ‘real’, I wish we could see a little more reality in the advertising campaign. Imagine, just for laughs, that perhaps one of the videos could catch-a-koople mid feisty French argument, ‘Trojan! You have trampled doggy shit into ze rug! Clean it up! Clean it up or ELSE!’ Or... perhaps, with cut glass English: ‘Persephone.. baaaby.. you have some omelet stuck to your chin.. ergh, gross.. now you’ve wiped it.. Oh god, it’s on your shirt…’
My point here is this; I aint buying into The Kooples until I can buy into its couples.