Babyhood and Blowjobs: FHM Wants You in a Cot



So last weekend was a bad one for me. I was ‘that person’ (read: the drunkest there) at a party - an office party. Said party involved a bunch of guys I had previously known as normal people become slathering idiots over possibly the worst supplement ever produced by a magazine: FHM’s ‘100 Sexiest Women of 2012’, where celebrity females in a disappointingly wide array of jobs presented themselves in coy positions in their underwear. I saw a picture of a baby with fake boobs under her baby-gro on the ‘My Parent is an Idiot’ blog that actually looked like the feasible juxtaposition of infantilised face and falsely enhanced body parts you see adorning celebrity pages of newspapers nowadays. And I walked past a man on Saturday in the company of two male friends, who proceeded to ask the friends: ‘Which one of you does that belong to?’ in reference to me.

All of this goes to show that the world has become a weird place for a woman. We’re supposed to look baby-faced and doe-eyed, with smooth, hairless bodies and curves that even really, truly look like artificial additions. As we meander around in this world of women-as-sexualised-children, it’s probably little wonder that men on street corners look at us as if we’re the strange belongings of others to procure. We are essentially all aiming to be seen as toddlers with fake tits.

‘Women as children’ is hardly a new concept, but it exists in ever more twisted forms nowadays. It used to be used to justify not educating women on the grounds that they were silly, petulant things who would just go out and do something ridiculous like vote if you gave them too many books. Nowadays, it’s just a sort of fetishised idea that nobody quite likes to discuss in the open. FHM does a great range in women spreading their legs out with the perennial ‘finger in the mouth’ position that conveniently implies both babyhood and blowjobs. Nuts, Zoo and even page three of The Sun have all often favoured ‘barely legal’ as an advertising point for late teens without clothes on. And taking a girl’s virginity remains accepted as a man’s achievement - a brief introduction to an adult world by the gatekeeper of adult activity - while a woman taking a boy’s virginity is barely discussed and, when discussed, usually laughed at.

Meanwhile, women wearing men’s clothes is sexy, cool, a conveyance of power. Men wearing women’s clothing is strange, humiliating, a relinquishing of the authority that a man would usually have. Women’s attire is silly, pretty, childlike; men inhabit the grown-up world where people dress for jobs and then undertake them. It’s totally cute when women turn up in skirt suits and act like they’re there to actually have careers and shit, but if they take it too far and wear trousers, they’ll probably get labelled a 'lesbian' (read: scary hybrid man-girl.)

So how do we shake off the ‘tottering toddler in the workplace’ curse, when women everywhere are squeezing themselves into schoolgirl outfits and responding bafflingly positively to the top-end-of-the-Freudian-meter phrase ‘who’s your daddy’? Admitting we can screw in a lightbulb might help, as well as becoming more universally socially accepting of things like pubic hair and untidy, non-designer vaginas, as well as female sex drives that exist away from when men tell them to enjoy things or ‘introduce them to a whole new world of pleasure.’

And the eyelash-fluttering, finger-in-the-mouth position? Well, whatever floats your boat. But if ‘curious baby’ does it for him every time, he could probably do with breaking out from the missionary mindfuck of soft porn saturation that is the male-targeted mainstream media, and getting on board with the reverse cowgirl of womanhood. Or something like that.

Basically: girl, you’re not a girl anymore. So make sure you get an adult ticket when you climb on board.