Sick of pencil skirts? Tired of pussy bow blouses? Well rejoice ladies, because Mad Men fashion is over: this season, the age of overwhelming misogyny you’ll be dying to recreate is THE TUDOR TIMES. I’m talking kirtles, girdles, and – for the fashion forward among you – a sturdy gable hood. This is a look for the pears among you: forgiving to the thighs and tough on the waist, it’s time to get crunching and ideally to stop eating – we’re talking heroin chic from back when it was still called opium. Retro! Your girl-crush for this season is Charlene Wittstock, the noughties answer to original It-girl, Katharine of Aragon. Like Katharine, Charlene is stuck in a loveless marriage with a man who bears a striking resemblance to a potato, which is actually super appropriate since Sir Walter Raleigh introduced the potato to England in the sixteenth century. Vintage!
Like Katharine, who actually bore Henry VIII six children in total, the ‘Vacant’ sign on the door of Charlene’s womb has become an international crisis, and she is – according to the Daily Fail – depressed at her ‘failure to provide her husband with a legitimate heir’. While Katharine’s own ‘failure’ lead to England’s break with the Roman Catholic Church, lucky Charlene’s being given another shot – the DM reports that she’s entered into a ‘pregnancy pact’ to squeeze out a Prince Monaco-Mini-Me, and ‘after that she would be free to leave of her own free will’. Super vintage! This season, the emancipation of women is so over, it’s all about servitude – be it to the crown or just your man. The tears Charlene shed at her wedding, for instance, were the perfect accessory with her Armani dress: clearly channelling Aragon in the Boleyn-era. Of course, when Henry VIII wanted rid of ‘barren’ Katharine he made her the ‘Dowager Princess of Wales’ and installed her in Kimbolton Castle, a move we can see stylishly emulated on multiple occasions by Simon Cowell with Sinitta and her doppelganger successors. It remains to be seen whether fashionista Charlene will continue to follow in her fash-spiration’s footsteps, or if things will get uber-retro and a beheading’s in the offing. We wait with bated breath, and that’s only partly thanks to our corsets.