Slut: I would put good money on you having been called it.
If you’re a woman, and you’re over the age of about ten (I was eleven when my
friend first, admittedly ignorantly, called me ‘slut’ as an insult on the
playground), it’s pretty much unavoidable. Sluts are everywhere nowadays: they
have boyfriends, they’re single, they get married, they go to universities,
they hang around street corners soliciting sex, they run for political
campaigns, they wear short skirts and dungarees and jumpers and trainers and fishnet
tights. Considering how confusingly diverse the word ‘slut’ has become, you’d
be forgiven for thinking that life is hard to navigate without being labelled
one. For clarity’s sake, however, I’ve decided to categorise exactly how many
men you can sleep with before you get tainted with this totally fine insult
that functions, after all, only to keep you in line for your own good.
No men – Technically
not a slut, but you are a filthy cocktease. Quit sitting around being all
post-pubescent without having sex because it’s getting us all het up. You’re
only one step away from being a slut, and probably worse already...in your mind.
One man – Capable
of sex yet confining yourself to one man, you’re the most dangerous type of
slut. At any moment when your boyfriend’s back is turned, you could be snatched
away from fidelity by a horde of men and immediately defiled. You teeter on the
edge of slutitude.
Ten men – Most
likely a brazen harlot, especially if you’re in your twenties. This implies
that you’ve had sex with more than one man every year since you lost your
virginity at some slutty age in your teens, so don’t expect anyone to love you
fully. Ever.
Above twenty men – Superslut.
There is probably no hope for you to convert yourself into marriage material,
so start saving up for your bachelorette’s garret and try not to shed any tears
over it, since sluts cry acid.
100+ men – Liar!
Only men enjoy sex anyway, so you obviously racked up this number to impress
people socially. Live with the fact that you have disgusted and repelled them
instead – if you can.
Once you’ve completed this fun little quiz, do a little ‘circle
of trust’ with your friends at one of those female-only sleepovers you do (the
ones where you all wear lingerie and have pillow fights, yeah?) Don’t forget to
let us know which category you fall into!
