Venomously Bad Products

This week, I blagged some make-up that belonged to the girl washing her hands and reapplying beside me in the bathroom of a bar. I’d come from work, and I didn’t have any make-up to hand; she offered me hers as we chatted in front of the mirror, and I happily partook in her light brown lip gloss.

As she began to walk away, she turned around and shouted back to me: ‘Don’t worry if your lips start to sting in a bit! It’s this new make of gloss that has snake venom in it - it makes your lips plumper. It’s worth it!’

Ten minutes later, I was furiously wiping the sticky residue off my face with the back of my pint glass as I battled my way back from the bar. Snake venom. I had just put snake venom voluntarily onto the second most important mucous membrane on my body. It more than tingled, and I didn’t give a shit whether my lips appeared marginally larger to anybody paying attention to their size. That there was even a popular market for this product didn’t surprise me, but I wish it had.

Products aimed at women are becoming increasingly self-parodic. It started off with soap that promises to make your vagina whiter (because in between slipping on your seven inch heels and caking another layer over your eye-wateringly expensive mascara while you desperately try to make your skintight dress look good with a pair of Spanx, you might have forgotten that your vagina just isn’t pale enough), and it has apparently extended to make-up with extra bonus poison. But just in case self-improvement with a heavy dose of the bizarre is your thing, I’ve compiled an easy list for your perusal. Google away.

1. The so-famous-now-it’s-almost-normal product that’s become a norm in especially backward/forward-thinking salons, the vajazzle, now incorporates ‘pubic dye’ and tiny little jewels. Best done hairless, with the help of chocolate-flavoured wax (also a real thing. Yes, seriously.)

2. Mints for your vagina - in case it tastes a little bit too much like a woman, ‘internal feminine flavouring’ can solve that

3. Sheep placenta cream - apparently excellent for that pesky evidence that you once expressed emotions in your life, wrinkles

4. Bull semen hair treatment. It’s all protein - why the fuck not?

5. Pads that you put in your pants to stop the possibility of you ever getting camel-toe when walking around in your knickers. Because otherwise a person who sees you in your underwear might guess there’s a pussy in there, and those things are well gross!

Considering that I’ve only just told you about the snake venom and the vagina whitener, I’ll take a breather here for you to rush out and buy these products. But stay tuned: thanks to the incredible imagination of some real woman-loving advertisers out there, there’s always more to come!