What I learned from Grazia This Week



1. That the fugliest ever shoes to walk this earth, espadrilles, are still doing the rounds amongst the 'Fash Pack'- when will these atrociously impractical monstrosities vanish from my sight forever? And will they takes the shoes with them? 

2. Fleet, in Hampshire, is the UK's vibrator capital, spending four times the average on sex toys. The men there must be really bad in bed. Or perhaps there aren't any men? Answers on a postcard, please. 

3. Every single dress worn to the Met Ball, all 263 pages of them, was invariably hideous. 

4. If you fancy Kim Kardashian so much, why don't you just MARRY her?

5. Having a more successful, breadwinning female partner makes you feel as though your penis is dropping off. Being clever and good at stuff, and a woman, goes against the laws of nature. Thanks, Tony Parsons.

6. Demi's smiling again. As a result, she only gets a page.

7. Jennifer Anniston's relationship is imploding, says a source. As a result, she gets three. 

8. If you're Kate Middleton, 'sexing it up' means sporting the least revealing and most demure dress by Roland Mouret EVER.

9. Deciding to get a small fringe is a BIG decision. Unless you allow your flatmate to cut you one just before you go out on a date. In which case it is just called 'stupidly giving someone who doesn't like you all that much a pair of scissors and letting them run wild on their barnet. In 2007.' No, I will never get over it. 

10. Charlene's womb is still empty, and it's only a matter of time before the royal family of Monaco lock her in a tower or put her in the stocks.

11. Chloe Green, 20 year old billionaire's daughter and 'shoe designer', cannot draw. As such Polly Vernon and Chloe spend an afternoon colouring in shoes. 'We begin colouring our outlines in dilligently. Chloe is neater than me,' says Polly, who as resident Grazia fashion powerhouse manages to  swallow any personal opinions she may have as to the aesthetic value of Chloe's shoe collection for the entirely of the feature. Polly doesn't like us, but I can't help but admire her self-control here. 

12. The bum is back. 'Butts are huge at the moment. I mean both literally and trendwise.' So do what Grazia says and SEND YOUR BUTT TO BOOT CAMP. Don't worry, you don't have to go too. You can stay home and dip slices of stale white bread into a pot of full-fat houmous while watching reality TV, just like every other Saturday night, safe in the knowledge that your bum is off elsewhere making itself acceptable to society. It's win-win. And if your booty doesn't play ball, worry not, because Grazia says it only takes 14 days to get a new one!