I just woke up from an uber snooze. It was one of those glorious, stretched out snoozes that lasts for the most part of an afternoon. Today has been a write off, frankly. I blame Grazia.
Grazia is clinically proven to increase sleepiness in 99% of bored freelance journalists with nothing to do today!
Will your doctor no longer give you any Tamazepam because the slightly crazed look in your eye hints at a potential addiction to this effective yet moreish benzodiazepine? No worries, buy Grazia.
Studies have shown that reading to your insomniac baby from Grazia will send the little fucker off to sleep ten times more effectively than a cow and gate/bourbon shooter.
I could go on. But instead I'm just going to tell you about the ten most tedious things I read in this week's Grazia:
1.) Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise got divorced over a week ago.
Grazia are still trying to squeeze out a story on this one. Give it up Grazia, your bowels are empty! Step away from the syrup of figs, because there is no more shit to shoot. Katie is happy to have escaped from a potentially dangerous cult and you can see it all over her smiling face (on the cover at least, inside we have a picture of her shopping with Suri at a health food shop that is so unbelievably impertinent in its invasiveness that even she, a lady used to being stalked by shadowy Scientologist aides, looks shocked. And didn't Polly Vernon once complain about Mumsnetters following her round the supermarket, tweeting? Practice what you preach, Pols). Grazia, we want TRAGEDY. We want DESPERATION. Where's Jen? Where's Demi? Where's Rihanna? They can't ALL be having a good summer. Let us know.
2.) Israeli soldiers accessorize their bikinis with assault rifles
Yeah. 'Fellow bathers on the beach in Tel Aviv thought twice before trying to steal her ice cream', squawks Grazia, the only magazine in the world who could reduce an incredibly complex and sensitive conflict between two troubled nations, the result of which thousands of people have lost their lives, into a bikini shot accompanied by a 'joke' about ice cream. Step aside, Australian Lad's Mag with your quest for 'the hottest asylum seeker in Oz', there is a new king of crassness.
3.) Tanya Gold reads her partner's texts
Tanya Gold is a Guardian journalist capable of erudite, nuanced political commentary, often with a feminist perspective. Why she is writing in Grazia about Jools Oliver checking her husband's email is a complete mystery to us (plus wasn't that three weeks ago, or something?). Has she fallen on hard times? Does someone in the Grazia office have something on her? (tell us with your eyes, Tanya, are they hurting you?) Or, as a lifelong insomniac, does she just feel that she owes them one for providing her with a cure to her sleepness nights? Whatever it is Tanya, you can get help. All you have to do is ask. We're here for you.
4.) Angelina Jolie hates her mother in law
...because her mother in law is a homophobic Republican. Ange has banned her from her and Brad's wedding. How great is it to be a celebrity? You can basically just bar people from being in your life. It's like Pubwatch, except with expensive clothes.
5.) Return of the trouserskirt
My fash-pack moles are telling me that skirts worn over trousers are officially back. This has now been confirmed by a Prada A/W 12 image in this week's Grazia. MEGALOLZ. If you see someone attempting this trend in the street, send us a pic. We could do with a chuckle. (Alternatively, send us a pic of you, aged thirteen, wearing a trouserskirt. We could get some kind of gallery going)
6.) Harry Styles has read the Game
Tired of middle-aged women perving over his adolescent body, Harry Styles has looked to misogynist manual 'The Game' for pulling tips. Despite the fact that this book came out six years ago and most women can now tell if they're being 'negged' without even looking up from their copy of Fifty Shades of Dorian Gray, Grazia delivers the info as though it is is a super scoop. I realise that a running theme in this article is: 'Jeez Grazia, get your finger on the pulse. You BEHIND' but that's because magazines really are struggling to keep up with internet, and unless they work this out, they are going to die.
7.) More old news
This time it's 'how you can tell where you're from by what your eyebrows look like', a 'study' that was commissioned by those renowned social scientists at Debenhams. Being sort of Welsh, I should be sporting what are described as 'soft arches', except I'm not, because guess what, homies? I haven't plucked my eyebrows in over a year. Not because I'm a hairy feminist, but because I can't be arsed. Examination in the mirror reveals them to be quite bushy, but as I have a side fringe, you can only see one of them. Win.
8.) Journalist Bill Borrows is a body fascist
In, 'you, the fashion jury', Bill has a bit of a dig at Rita Ora's roots. He also describes her as a 'life size action model' and suggests that they 'maybe get her bosom level.' What a bitch.
9.) Grazia have teamed up with Reiss to give deprived youngsters a 'break' into the fashion industry
That 'break', from what I can gather, is an internship. Could someone at Grazia please confirm that they are actually paying these council estate kids for their labour? No? Didn't think so.
10.) Grazia does politics
They have Gaby Hinsliff now. They iz getting SERIOUS. Gaby says, 'male politicians increasingly face the same cosmetic scrutiny long endured by their female peers' before following it up with 'your profession isn't known as 'Showbusiness for ugly people' for nothing.' Nice. How about, instead of talking about Eric Pickles' paunch/Teresa May's hair, we all talk about how ugly politicians are INSIDE? Because while we continue to focus on their appearance and not their policies, they can continue being shitty, all while laughing evilly and going 'hahaha, the stupid proles are too distracted by my scouse brows (shaped by Debenhams) to notice the fact that I've revoked the Human Rights Act and reinstated the death penalty.' Let's all be more on the ball as far as this is concerned. I'll lead the way by revoking the weekly feature I had planned for the Vagenda, which was going to be 'Shit Louise Mensch says in her shit books', and concentrate on what an odious human being she is instead. SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME, COMMENTERS? The more you imply that my irrational hatred of the Menschmonster is clouding my judgment, the more I am going to write about Louise Mensch. You've been warned.