We all know that the Grazis are nothing if not self-parodying geniuses of workaday humour. And sometimes they may feel that their efforts have been ignored - but not today, darlings. It may have taken me a few days of digestion, but, like sweetcorn, I have taken it in, absorbed the vital ingredients, and will now present to you a bunch of tiny yellow shells that have passed through me and come out relatively unscathed at the other side. The sweetcorn poop of Grazia awaits you below - and yes, all the quotes are verbatim.
Grazia, circa August 20th 2012:
1. Most famously, they ran with the headline ‘IT’S OVER?’, claiming that Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend Justin Theroux were breaking up (‘facing their most challenging period yet’), 24 hours before the couple announced their engagement. Loltastic.
2. ‘This week... North Korea’s WAG dictator got a designer bag’
3. At the bottom of the Jennifer Aniston ‘made-up break-up’ (make-up?) article: ‘HAS JEN HAD THE ‘FAT FACE’?’
4. Style tips on the Chart of Lust: ‘We dig the whole no eyebrows, lilac hair statement.’ Someone needs to pay Kelly Osbourne’s PR more money.
5. ‘[There is an] implication that we women are getting up half an hour earlier than we want to and trowelling on slap because it’s what society tells us to do. But for many women, putting on make-up is the only time they enjoy to themselves all day.’ In the hard slog of a life otherwise entirely devoid of enjoyment, a lilac lipstick always offers a moment of repose.
6. “‘They were kissing and stroking each other’s hair!’ said an eyewitness.” No, this isn’t from a legal document about premarital funsies at the Amish church in 1950. It’s a bonafide Grazia feature (courtesy of ‘an eyewitness’, who I believe in Grazi terminology is one step down from the eponymous ‘source’) about Katy Perry and some dude she once met. Can you believe the scandal? Hair-stroking and everything? Next they’ll be hand-holding and skipping!
7. ‘Top hot story: Mila worried for ‘heroin’ addict Macaulay.’ What follows is a short 300 words on a tenuous link between Mila Kunis and once-home-alone Macaulay Culkin, where at the end Culkin’s publicist denies that he is addicted to a painkilling drug known locally as ‘hillbilly heroin.’ Oh, right. Guess the ‘hillbilly’ bit just slipped out of the opening title, then.
8. Right at the bottom of ‘this week’s ups and downs’ is... desserts. “‘Stressed’ spelled backwards, making us think twice about cake’ says the accompanying blurb. Hell, the journos at Grazia catch on quick - next they’ll be realising that they don’t like maths anymore because you can spell ‘BOOBS’ with 8s and 0s on a calculator.
9. OK, I have to give it to them - this one is actually a good thing. Grazia appears to have acquired a political editor who does a round-up of the week’s political news. Is change afoot in Stressed Desserts Towers?
10. The delightful ‘Are you a modern snob?’ quiz, in which one of the questions labels you as pretentious if you don’t say yes to being halfway through Fifty Shades of Grey. Sigh. Back on track again.
11. The latest way of boiling down your relationship in terrifying, judgmental platitudes: ‘AGE GAPS: CREEPY OR COOL?’ And you made so many promises with the political editor, Grazia. My dreams lie shattered and broken on the floor.
12. ‘Demi’s £1,500 hypnotherapy to delete Ashton!’ Er, nope. That one’s just the plot to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Whoever signed this one off was having as much of a laugh as the Jen-An editor.
Well, I’m off to do my butt crunches in a bikram yoga sauna while eating a plate of raw salmon sautéed in celebrity tears. It’s only a day or two until the next installment, guys and gals - so stay tuned!