The Feminist Guide to Break Ups

Feminism: Hey girl

Feminist: Hey feminism

Feminism: You’re looking all whack

Feminist: I broke up with my boyfriend

Feminism: Don’t you worry ‘bout nothing. I’m feminism. I helped you through your eating disorder. I inspired you to work your ass off for your career. I showed you the power structures at play in the world, and taught you how to work to make it a better place. I’m gonna kick the ass of your whack break up face. You ready for the feminist guide to break ups?

Feminist: Uh.

Feminism: First things first sister, you gotta remember that you don’t need no man. The whole world might be trying to tell you that single girls are sad and lonely – but those are damned lies. Single women are strong! And independent! They’re living life their way and loving it.

Feminist: I am both sad and lonely.

Feminism: You’re living life your way and loving it.

Feminist: If locking myself in the loo at work so that I can cry is living life my way and loving it, then yes, you are right, I am fecking Frank Sinatra.

Feminism: Girl, you got to take control. You’re no stereotype. You’re not sitting in on Friday nights with readymeals for one and cats for company.

Feminist: Do you want to see a picture of my kitten? Or a video? Look – here’s one where he’s chasing his own tail. Did you know that Sainsbury’s curries are two for a fiver at the moment? You can freeze the second one.

Feminism: I do not want to see a picture of your cat. Nobody wants to see a picture of your cat. They might pretend, and make ‘aaah’ noises, but they secretly think you’re weird as hell. Why don’t you hit the town with your crew – do some dancing, have some footloose fun!

Feminist: I did that last weekend. I dressed up all slutty, drank half a bottle of whiskey, hoovered up more badness than Kate Moss at the height of her Pete Doherty addiction, and stayed up for two days. I have spent the last week crying and puking in the toilets. 

Feminism: What age are you now? 

Feminist: 28 and a half.

Feminism: That’s the age you gotta be focused on making things happen in your life.

Feminist: Uh

Feminism: Not downing whiskey and crying and developing unhealthy emotional dependences on feline animals.

Feminist: Uh

Feminism: You listening to me, woman? Think about the future. What are you gonna give to the world?

Feminist: Probably nothing. I’ll probably die old and alone except for all the sweet, sweet kitties and never have babies and never have sex and never do anything. 

Feminism: You don’t need to be a mother to be fulfilled. Or, if you really want children, you can make your own with a turkey baster and sperm you bought online. 

Feminist: Uh. 

Feminism: And you don’t need sex. You can just lie in bed thinking ‘bout equality til you fall into a deep and righteous sleep.

Feminist: So jilling off to crap porn to momentarily distract myself from my emotional pain wouldn’t be very feminist?

Feminism: Course not! You know the conditions of workers in the sex industry.

Feminist: Yes. I’ll be sure not to masturbate to soulless pornography then. 

Feminism: And girl, cook yourself some proper food. Get some meat on those bones.

Feminist: I can’t. I need everyone to see how sad I am just by looking at me so that I can wallow in victimhood.

Feminism: *Slaps feminist* Snap out of it! 

Feminist: Don’t you think it’s one of the greatest ironies in life that at the time you most need to be held all night long there is no one there to hold you?

Feminism: *Slaps feminist harder* That is the most pathetic and irritating thing you have ever said.

Feminist: Hey, that’s not nice. I thought you were going to kick the ass of my whack break up face. Where’s my feminist guide to break ups? 

Feminism: I have a secret for you.

Feminist: Uh.

Feminism: There is no feminist guide to break ups.