Rihanna’s New Video – Key Points*

Let’s hope while she’s kicking it in the tub, Rihanna comes to the right decision about Chris Brown

Yesterday, Rihanna debuted her new video for Stay. Unfortch, it’s not as awesome as the video for Shakespeare’s Sister’s 'Stay'. It’s a bath video. The best of the bath video genre thus far is definitely Britney Spears’ 'Everytime', in which she rocked a winning sartorial combination of nightie, high heels and baseball cap, and which also segued into a David Lynch film half way through featuring actor Stephen Dorff, doing that thing where he is borderline hot/gross, which is what he does best. You really can never tell with him.

RiRi tweeted that the video was “simple but emotional”. But this is Rihanna and nothing is ever simple, apart from the totally obvious cast-iron fact that Chris Brown is a complete and utter cunt. Her ‘simple’ description belies the deep undercurrents (ha) going on here. Let’s take a look at a few key moments.

Here is Rihanna getting into the bath and realising it’s tepid at best. She’s not happy about it.

To cheer herself up, she decides to have a smoke. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t have a cigarette, she’s not gonna let a little thing like that stop her nicotine hit.

That moment when you ask to be cryogenically frozen and they forget your head. Man, that really pisses Rihanna off.

Tired from her exertions – for example, the consistent and strenuous self-denial that Chris Brown isn’t a total tosspot – RiRi contravenes all known common sense health and safety advice*, and falls asleep in the tub.

(*Dating Chris Brown also contravenes all known common sense health and safety advice.)

I know what Rihanna’s doing here. I did it too. You discover the painting of Narcissus looking at his reflection in the water during GCSE Art and decide to moodily recreate it for your end of year project.

 Case in point.

Here Rihanna stoically ignores the fact she farted in the bath. She is literally just gonna act like it didn’t happen. She’s all like WHAT FART?, because she’s ashamed of herself. But actually she shouldn’t be, because women are also capable of being a bit minging.


 Rihanna decides, as we all have, that seeing as she is naked and alone, it would be rude not to have a ‘water wank’, one of the most challenging kinds of wanks. (If you’re doing it in the bath at least, obviously the shower is a different and easier matter entirely). That’s what’s going on here, probably. Or not at all. 

With the clarity of mind and sharpness of observation that only a post-wank can bring, Rihanna decides that, yeah, that ceiling does need repainting.

 “Should probably think about doing around the door frame too….”

You’ve pissed Rihanna off because she’s all like: “My hair’s not greasy!! It’s wet! And you’re all like pfff, yeah right, grease head”. And she’s all WHATEVER, and then avoids eye contact until at least second break.

 Here she does that 'water beard' thing we all do in the bath. Nobody knows why, it's just that it feels good. 


* As imagined by HJP, who really wishes RiRi would find a nice boyfriend