Teetering Closer to the Edge

Last night my boyfriend did me a home spa. I love a good home spa. It basically involves him lighting candles in the bathroom and running a bubble bath while I go at myself with a body brush. And before you say, 'that's bullshit, Vagenda lady. You should be fighting the patriarchal assumption that a woman's ambitions are limited to a bath laced with The Sanctuary products and a going over with a loofah', let me point out that home spa is for everyone. My boyfriend loves home spa. He's been known to luxuriate in a bubble bath while clutching a flute of pink champagne and idly picking off belgian chocolates from a special dish at the side more than once. He loves trying all my lotions and potions on various parts of his body, which is how he discovered that olive oil hair mask makes his balls super-soft. The menz are all about the home spa, it's not a gender thing.

But anyway. After home spa, I was mooching around languidly in a silk kimono when I thought I might relax and sit down with Closer magazine. Unfortunately, having applied copious amounts of body oil, I ended up sitting down ON Closer magazine, which is why I have most of Closer, including 'Kim and Kanye's 'pre-baby contract'' still imprinted on my arse. Lucky my boyfriend can read backwards! 

Here's what he said was in Closer this week:

- Jordan's got married again. 'This will be the last time', she said.

- Danni Minogue, in a bikini, 'revealing her stunning figure'. Closer approves, I think? Except it does also say 'she looked a lot slimmer a few years back', so maybe not? 'Dannii's been on a diet for years' says a source, though she has reintroduced carbs into her diet. Apparently carbs are 'not so good for your figure, but you [have to] eat them for your face'. SCIENCE.

- The 'Closer News' section on page 21 features three women in bikinis. 'Heidi flaunts her new curves!' Closer crows, while adding 'but her fuller bust has led to speculation of a boob job'. Who's speculating? Oh, you are, Closer. 'It seems she has had a subtle breast augmentation, taking her from a B to a D cup', says Closer's plastic surgery monkey. Actually, Heidi has clearly just gone up a dress size and is probably on her period. NEXT.

Someone called Jennie Garth has probably had a tummy tuck, says Closer, before mentioning that she's 'in the gym every day'. Hmmmm

- Now for Danielle Lloyd's unmissable and not at all mundane weekly column, in which Danielle talks about the trials and tribulations of being Danielle. This week: Jordan's wedding, or more specifically, Danielle's dress for Jordan's wedding. She went to a bridal boutique and ordered a dress in a size 12 (she's having a baby she's not actually that fat lolz) but on the day it turned out WAY TOO BIG. So they had to take it in. It's scintillating stuff, only slightly marred by questions such as: 'who buys a dress from a bridal boutique for someone else's wedding???' and 'Who is Danielle Lloyd???" Thankfully, Danielle's there to set the record straight: 'but enough about my dress, it was Katie's that mattered and she looked beautiful!' she says, in the final paragraph, before informing us: 'I had another trip to the doctors' this week. Hilariously, she describes herself as 'prone to water infections'. A quick google reveals this to be a UTI. Why so coy, Danielle? So you can't piss even though it feels like you have to? Join the fucking club, we've all been there. 

- It's the 'pre-baby contract' you've all been waiting to hear about! Apparently, Kim Kardashian's 'mom' wants 'control over the baby's first public pictures, product endorsements, and Kim's post-pregnancy weight loss'. Disregarding whether or not a baby can ever be said to truly have 'endorsed' a product, that high pitched sound you're hearing right now is the noise my soul makes as it finally crumples and shrivels in despair. 

- LiLo! Rehab, boyfriend, reckless driving, bleary eyed and dishevelled under a nightclub table, bruises, drug and alcohol addictions - can someone please get this girl the help she needs, like now? I really, really, don't want LiLo to die, and Closer is hardly helping. Apparently while under that table LiLo told people she was hiding from the paps. Cue paparazzi shot of her looking sad. Ugh. 

- This week in Slut shaming: Closer's 'Style Watch' feature, where they reveal the stars who've been looking hot, and not' seems to revolve completely around how foxy the woman in question decides to look. High neckline and you're heading for a big green tick. Short skirt, or thigh high boots? Nu-uh. BIG RED CROSS for you, hussy. The worst thing about it is the patronising way they've written the comments, so they sound like your least favourite work colleague 'you're missing a few buttons', they bitch, and 'with billions in the bank, you'd think she could afford a longer skirt' they say, completely nonsensically, to Tamara Ecclestone's picture, as though its 1940 and skirts are charged by the metre. There's nothing I hate more than below-par cattiness. Hey, Tamara, Kenny Chesney called, he says you can keep the boots. 

- What you should be wearing this season:
Crop tops! Sequins! Orange! And something mythical known as 'wearable printed trousers'. Pull the other one, Closer.

- This time of year marks the beginning of the ubiquitous 'What to wear to a wedding' feature (TM Every Magazine Ever). Let me save you a lot of hassle and give you some very prudent advice. I know, because last year for my french cousin's wedding I listened to a magazine instead of my heart, and as a result I looked like a mad bridesmaid gone rogue, and not in a cool Charlotte Coleman in Four Weddings way, but in an actual proper 'who is that plump English girl and has she actually been invited' way.  

Meanwhile, all the French women turned up in impeccably chic block colour shift dresses which looked stylish rather than 'wedding-y'. Follow their lead, step away from the lace and  the florals unless it's CofE, and you'll be dandy. 

- Beauty, and apparently we should all be 'daring to bare' like Cara Delevigne. Getting the natural look involves a grand total of SEVENTEEN beauty products, which is actually more than I put on back when I used to go gay clubbing in false eyelashes and a beehive.

- Turning over the page, I am confronted by a sanitary towel advert for something called the 'Always silk collection'. The tagline makes me gawk in horror for at least a minute. 'THE SILK SENSATION WHERE YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT IT' it says. Surely it...doesn't...it can't mean...my vagina? It DOES mean my vagina. Always, it seems, have renamed my vagina, and are now referring to it as 'where you wouldn't expect it'. I try it on my boyfriend. 'Hey, I'm feeling tingly...where you wouldn't expect it.' He looks baffled. 'Why don't you put your cock...where you wouldn't expect it'. Now a genuine look of fear enters his eyes. Clearly Always' prudish moniker for a woman's area doesn't work. I suppose the angle of their campaign is that you wouldn't expect to have a silky vagina during your period because sanitary towels chafe like a motherfucker, so I sort of get it. I don't really see the link between continuing to feel 'fabulously feminine' as they put it, and a silky maxipad, but then what do I know? I'm the sort of gal who favours direct advertising. Something like: 'check this out: a pad that doesn't rip your fanny red raw'. No? Oh, OK. 

- How to know you're ready for a baby, according to 'celebrity therapist' Marisa Peer:
'Take your time to get to know [your partner] inside out' (snigger) 
'Make sure you want a baby for the right reasons. If you think a child will make your man commit to you...think again' (thanks for the vote of confidence in the female sex there, Marisa!)
Likewise, 'if you have to force, coerce, or trick your partner into parenthood, then it's not the right time' 
'Never have a baby so you can leave work and enjoy time at home' (BABYHOLIDAY!) 

Who is this person, seriously? And why does she hate women so much???

- Weight loss. There's shit-tons on this. 'Ice cream is bad, salad is good' says Coronation Street's Jennie McAlpine, who's clearly A LUNATIC. Meanwhile, Melinda Messenger passes the fridge raider test with an icebox full SEVEN different types of cheese. In a way I'm kind of half glad that the nutritionist has started giving women a break. The other half of me, however, is angry that she's getting away scott free, when other fridge raiders alumni have been reduced to tears for owning bread. Perhaps it's because Messenger snacks on 'fresh thyme leaves'. I'm not fucking with you. She really does. 

- Problems. Marnie is six months pregnant and horny as hell, but her husband is too scared of harming the baby to have sex with her. Tracey Cox, agony aunt's solution? Despite it being perfectly safe, you should stop hassling him otherwise his temporary 'impotence' should turn into a long-tem problem. LISTEN TO THE MAN'S PENIS, NOT MEDICAL SCIENCE, MARNIE.

Meanwhile, Name Withheld's husband has come home drunk and stinking of perfume. 'Give him the benefit of the doubt', says Tracey, while scrutinising everything he does really carefully from now on. A foolproof recipe for a happy relationship, natch.

After that it's just crosswords and telly, but I do leave time to check in on my horoscope. 'It's potentially a great week for you', says Closer, which is clearly bollocks because I started it drunk in Slim Jims in the early hours of Monday, continued it hungover, and now it's mid-week and I have a full-on heavy cold and a picture of Kim Kardashian on my arse that won't come off. On the plus side, no one's called me a cunt on twitter yet, so that's something to smile about. But yeah, this magazine sucks.