Dear Daily Mail: I Thought I Was The Face of Binge Drinking, but Appaza Not

Dear Daily Mail,

Thanks ever so much for the helpful article you published last week entitled: 'Look what giving up drink for a month can do to your face: Mother who enjoyed five glasses of wine a week is transformed after going cold turkey.' Thanks as well for the one today, called 'The shocking face of binge drinking: how young mother's looks were wrecked after she became addicted to Lambrini.' I had always assumed that I represented the face of binge drinking, but apparently it's this 'haggard and sullen' looking woman instead. Local children have even dubbed her 'the Attic Monster!' 

I had never before thought about the effect alcohol had on my face ‒ mainly because I was too drunk to realise I had a face ‒ but now that I know booze affects my looks, I'll be certain to cut down on the sherry I treat myself to after dusting the ornaments in my attic.

I found the first article in the Femail section of the paper. This really helped me, as I was about to start reading the news and current affairs pieces before I realised that they were not meant for me and probably would have turned my lady parts into steel and burnt my eyes out. The Femail section was much more comforting, filled as it was with articles about motherhood, BHS' sexy new underwear campaign and a lady with extra-long fingernails. I am pretty sure there is stuff happening in Syria at the moment, but of course I know it's silly to be interested in that when there is a 60-year-old model showing me that toyboys still find her sexy. I do hope toyboys find me sexy when I am 60, but I will probably have to buy some of BHS' new underwear in order to find out, and at the rate things are going with my DISGUSTING BOOZE FACE, I suspect that perhaps they won't. 

Oops sorry, back to the boozy article. My brain often wanders off, since I am a lady and am often distracted by kittens and trying to work out how to open door handles without damaging the foot long fingernails I am trying to grow. You mentioned that we all think about the effect booze has on our waistline? This isn't something I had worried about before, my booze woes mainly focusing on where I had left my shoes, but now I realise that if only I didn't drink wine (or lambrini), I would probably look like Kate Moss (give or take). You helpful article also says "many modern women enjoy a drink with an evening meal". I just wondered if you could clarify how modern a woman should be to enjoy this wine. I have seen my elderly neighbor partake in the odd eggnog at Christmas – is age a factor in this modernity, or does her knowledge of One Direction make her a modern drinking lady? Should I tell her grandchildren that this rampant boozing is likely to give her a fat face, as your article suggests?

The lady in your "study" (Laura) mentions that she abstained from alcohol on her wedding anniversary, while her husband had a beer. Apparently, he was happy as it meant he could drink while she drove. I'm not a qualified doctor, having given up medical school to read the Femail section of your newspaper, but am I to understand that men will not suffer this terrible red fat face if they drink? Or is that covered in the man section (e.g. the rest) of the paper? I would have a look, but I fear the unknown.

A final thank you for the conclusion of your article. I was so pleased to hear that after three weeks of no alcohol, Laura looked so good that she could leave the house without makeup. It really did make me feel better, after reading about the Attic Monster, to know that some women have successfully escaped the curse of booze face. It made me cry a little bit, I was so happy for her. Unfortunately, I wasn't lucky enough to have left the house without makeup, so my mascara ran down my face, leaving me looking a bit like a member of Kiss. Laura said that she even left her hand mirror at home when she went camping for the weekend. I felt this might have been a bit irresponsible, given how good mirrors are for lighting fires and signaling planes in an emergency, but the fact that she didn't need a mirror to know how awesome she looked was great. I usually use the reflective windows in banks to check myself out, except this morning, when I kept my panda smudged face hidden from view inside a copy of the Daily Mail.

I have handed both these articles out to every lady I have seen in a pub, informing them that they will have thinner, less blotchy faces if they stop drinking. I don't understand why but apparently this hasn't gone down very well, and I have been barred from the Coach and Horses in Hackney. 

I do look forward to reading more of your informative articles in future. Perhaps you could include one about how hoovering makes your arms look better? I am sure the ladies would enjoy that, as it's really not worth doing anything unless it serves to make you look better. In the meantime, I have used articles from the Femail section to wallpaper my bedroom as I find waking up with helpful tips about how to be a proper lady really is the best start to the day. 

Thanks again for all the motivation,