It’s official: the colder months are upon us; a time otherwise known as the end of the summer shagging season, marked as it is by the sudden need for everyone ever (and that includes YOU, dear reader) to grab the nearest, semi-compatible looker next to them to settle down with for the winter hibernation. Because no one could ever be happy on their own, especially not with Christmas, which as you are no doubt well aware, is practically on top of us already.
Thus it’s only natural that legions of dating gurus, alerted by the powerful and rampant scent of post-summer fling pheromones undercut with a mix of desperation and Lynx Africa in the air, come to the aid of singletons in need of Cupid’s intervention. And by singletons, I mean MEN, because as lady-persons already know, all they have to do to get laid is go to a bar in a short skirt (sarcasm).
Case in point, David DeAngelo. If his now infamous article for Ask Men taught us anything (other than the publication vastly over-estimated their readers’ ability to swallow such guff) it was that men have to use all their charm, cunning and ovulation sensors in order to get themselves a chick (alas, RIP, the article has been removed).
Now, as someone who’s been asked by a couple of gentlemen friends in the past whether or not I was ovulating − often as a pointed comment indicating I wasn’t being particularly pleasant, although on one unfortunate occasion, to determine whether I’d be allowed to stay over that night − I can confirm that at no point did such enquiries work out in the man’s favour. So it concerns me that other, lost asshats out there are attempting to follow DeAngelo’s advice in a misguided attempt to find love.
But never fear single people (men) of Britain! Help is at hand! Sure, some of the tips by ‘the master of attraction, approaching women and sexual communication’ may seem slightly dodgy, but that’s where I − an honest to god WOMAN who’s been on loads of dates with guys of different calibre in the chat up line department − come in. In what I believe in time will come to be known as the greatest contribution to matchmaking since Guardian Soulmates' collaboration with Cilla Black (example Blind Date question: 'which sustainable vegan restaurant would you take me to?') I have scoured the grimier parts of the internet to find the ultimate in dating tips and advice, which I have dutifully sieved through and analysed so I may report back on how effective they may be.
So, without further ado, to The Master’s Twitter feed: a veritable cesspool of tips and tricks on how to snare a woman.
Ah yes, this old chestnut, designed to make a gal feel bad about herself, so as to lower her self-confidence and give you a better chance of getting in there; a technique I always for some reason imagined was favoured by Tom Cruise, before, y'know, simply being Tom Cruise was enough. I remember well the time this was used on me, when a man told me he had a fetish for girls with big noses and could he please go down on me, there and then? I politely declined.
Who the hell do you think you are, your mother??!
Now, to an uninitiated misogynist, behaviour such as this might seem like riding the highway to Fatal Attraction city, population: you, but really, that’s just Hollywood being overly dramz. As we all know, at worst this will merely mess with her head enough to rack up a hefty phone bill to her friends as she attempts to understand where she stands, render her slightly more emotionally needy and lower her self-esteem – right where you want her, eh? Gratitude sex is just the best. Your rabbit’s safe. Probably. But you mind find yourself experiencing a mysterious testicular torsion.
Depressingly, there is plenty more where that came from, and not just from DeAngelo. For more Male Pickup Artist hilarity, we need only head over to the alpha male world of PinstripeMag, where the writings of the self-proclaimed expert in dating and 'woman psychology' (has anyone thought to check these credentials?) to find resident savant Alex Matlock. What we have here is a fairly extensive portfolio (dude's got time on his hands), but I have picked out some of the highlights on how to score, or, in the words of Matlock, ‘bang!’ women.
For example, under the headline, ‘How to Get Her to Sleep with You Even if She’s Hard to Get,’ Matlock suggests the easiest way to have your way with her is to invite her over to dinner − a laborious trick that even this panty-removing expert occasionally needs to fall back on, appaz. ‘Although I’m a master at getting chicks back to my place or just going to theirs, sometimes I need to use this move..' (he called asking someone to dinner a 'move'!) '...if I really want to bang some hottie that just won’t give in that easily.’ This includes such titbits as, ‘Do not ask her to watch a movie because by the time the movie is done, that sweet sweet wine will have left her brain’ and, ‘have everything ready (condom in pocket), sex on the couch, pissed before all that so she doesn’t have the opportunity to “think about what’s going on.”’ A tad ‘rapey’ you say? You’re probably frigid!
Still not getting laid? Why you need Matlock’s ‘40 Most Important Rules of The Game,’ highlights including number 13: ‘Always carry 2 condoms. One is never enough.’ The charming 17: ‘Stay true to your standards, even if you’re really drunk, you’re only going to be disgusted in the morning.' And of course, the ever-important number 20: ‘Once a girl stops trying to get you in a relationship with her, you can still bang her for a long time without working for anything.’ At which point I’m afraid I had to stop reading, on fear of aneurysm and like, my vagina closing up forever.
As for Ask Men’s regular readers, disappointed to find DeAngelo’s words no longer gracing the site, rest assured that all is not lost: there’s a whole series of ‘how to have sex’ videos on there, to lend you a helping hand and answer all those questions you were too embarrassed to ask. Including a personal favourite one on how to make her feel comfortable when giving head. If only there were some female equivalent out there, then I could have shown that guy who claimed he was ‘big nose phobic’ that it was okay because, to paraphrase the oracle, you don’t want someone nervous with teeth down there! Oh ho, no. Now there may be those who suggest that getting someone uncomfortable with oral sex to go down on you might not be the best call, but what do they know? They’re probably prudes. Besides, you’rejust the man to make her realise how much she loves it anyway. Gag reflex? What’s that?
So there you have it, single people: an idiot’s guide to getting laid. If we’ve learned anything from these most helpful guides, it’s to never let a little thing like respect for members of the opposite sex, ethics or sobriety to get in your way. Hey, she was probably asking for it anyway, right? Of course she was. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take a shower. Another one. Oh, and another. See you out there.