How To Announce An Engagement on Facebook

Now, don't get me wrong- I'm not one of those chicks who hates on Zooey Deschanel. I've actually always really liked Zooey Deschanel- she's funny, her clothes are nice, she has really pretty hair, and despite all the crap that is thrown her way for playing girly characters (which, I have to point out, are invariably written by MEN), she doesn't seem to give a flying.

Her website, Hello Giggles, however, is a different matter. It's too cutesy and anodyne to really offend, but I remember reading once in an interview that Zooey had decided that no snarkiness was allowed. Fair enough, I thought, but this is clearly not the website for me.  I love the snark. Sometimes I don't think Gawker is bitchy enough. Sometimes Vice aims too high. 

Nonetheless, I still 'like' Hello Giggles on Facebook. and occasionally something mildly interesting will pop up. Yesterday, for instance, an article entitled 'How To Announce An Engagement on Facebook Like a Boss' appeared, and, being neither engaged nor labouring under the impression that I am about to become engaged soon, I naturally clicked on it while my long term boyfriend was out the room/playing Candy Crunch, a stupid game which he appears to be getting bored of because on Friday he described it as 'tedious, like a menial job' *spot the millennial guys*

Well, a girl can dream (and boy, DO I!)

I'll admit that, from time to time, like the bad little feminist bitch that I am, I do fantasise about getting married. Yes, I do sort of have a dress picked out, because a six grand Temperley is not something you can just pick up off the hoof, you need to save for that shit (I'm not saving for that shit), and I like watching 'Don't Tell the Bride' with my boyfriend because he can be even more unpleasant about other people's weddings than I can (what is that dress? THAT is disgusting! etc. etc). But really, for me, the best thing about getting married is surely the being married part? And so obvi the best thing about getting engaged must be the being engaged part, amiright?

No, I'm not right. I'm wrong. The best part about getting engaged is ANNOUNCING TO YOUR FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK THAT YOU GOT ENGAGED. 

I read the article, which gives a step-by-step guide to how to announce your engagement on Facebook 'like a boss', with disbelief, until I realised (from the comments) that it was supposed to be satire. I have to admit I felt relieved, just because the whole thing seemed so calculating and I was struggling to process the notion that a person could be that lame-ass while simultaneously so lacking in self-awareness, but then I haven't really been on Facebook properly in a while either. I guess this is where the 'no snark' rule kind of comes back to bite you in the ass, because since when did anyone hear something hilarious described as 'gentle, kindly satire'? Yeah, that's because it doesn't exist.

Anyway, the article's writer describes the long tedious process by which her Facebook friends announce their engagements. It starts with a slow build up- an announcement only to family and friends which naturally results in a few cryptic wall posts along the lines of 'omg I'm sooooo happy for you' (I have seen this done, but not since about 2006.)

THEN upload a photo taken directly before the proposal, of you guys in a balloon or somesuch. Wait a bit longer. Make smug announcement. Start instagramming and posting about your diet, then, when all the fuss dies down, do an engagement photo shoot.

At this point I started wondering if all this was an American thing, because surely no British person, trained as we are to perceive our own happiness as a threat to the wellbeing and tolerance of others, could be that big of an arsehole online? (If your Facebook friends ARE arseholes this big, please feel free to disabuse me of this notion in the comments section). As far as engagement announcements are concerned, all I've seen is a change in relationship status, or perhaps an 'I'm engaged LOL' from the more slutty/feminist of my acquaintances. It's still fairly smug but nowhere near the levels I'm being led to believe exist by Hello Giggles. 

I mean, an engagement photo shoot? Really? 

So, for all those sister friends who feel like they might be teetering on the precipice of social media smugness, I thought I'd answer the question once and for all. 

Question: How do you go about announcing your engagement on Facebook like a boss? 
Answer: You don't. just wait til the day itself and upload a single, classy photo of you in a dress, thus sharing the good news with friends and family while simultaneously saying a big "FUCK YOU" to all those people who assumed they would be invited to the wedding.

That's how my lot seem to be doing it, anyway. But then maybe I'm just far too snarky.