How to be a Woman from Halloween to January 2

Look, I carved a pumpkin. Look at my pumpkin, I have taken photos. Look how frickin’ BRILLIANT I am at carving. I am so crafty. Whose pumpkin is the best? Me and my housemates are competing. #craftisgreat.

LOOK! I’m going to a Halloween party, because I have FRIENDS. And we don’t take ourselves too seriously because we have dressed up. I am wearing something KOOKY because I don’t want you to think I think I’m sexy, but I’ve also tried really hard to look pretty too. Because, you know, I am pretty. And sexy. And I have friends. And we all go to crazy Halloween parties because we are successful human beings.

I can’t believe it’s Guy Fawkes. Look at my sparkler! LOOK AT IT. I HAVE SPELT MY NAME WITH IT AND TAKEN PHOTOS. Here are my photos. Here are some more of me and my friends with our fireworks. We set off fireworks every year, all together, because we are friends and we go out and we celebrate things because we are successful women. 

OH MY FUCKING GOD THE RED CUPS FROM STARBUCKS HAVE ARRIVED. Even though this happens every November, I still cannot believe my excitement that the coffee I sometimes buy is now in a red cup because red is a Christmas colour. I am so thrilled by this I am going to write a status about it. NO – hang on! I can BUY a coffee in the RED cup and take a photo of it. And then everyone will really know that a) I’m excited about Christmas, and b) I can afford to spend three quid on a coffee, and c) I left the house today because I am a successful woman.

Party season. Oh my God, I’m just soooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo busy. I mean, like, there are sooooooooooooooooooooo many parties going on. And I’m, like, soooooooooooooooooooooooooo burning the candles at both ends. But I’m not so busy that I can’t just quickly update my status telling you just how sooooooooooooooooooooooooo BUSY I am. And, I’m sorry but I actually can’t see you until 2014. I know, crazy isn’t it? But I’m soooooooooooo busy, with sooooooooooooooooooo many parties, because I’m such a successful woman.

John Lewis advert! I am crying. I need to tell you that I’m crying. Here is a link to it so you can cry too.

LOOK WHAT I DID. I decorated the Christmas tree!! I do it every year, and so does everyone else, but I just want to prove it with this photo. Isn’t it pretty? Aren’t I good at decorating? Here is a picture of the tree with the lights turned on. And here is a picture with the lights turned off, so you can see how I put fairylights on it. Like you’re supposed to. Because I’m doing Christmas like you’re supposed to.

I’ve got festive fingernails! I saw this thing in Cosmo, where you make your fingernails festive. With glitter. And – look – I have done it! Here are my nails, with the Christmas tree in the background. 


New Year’s Eve. News Year’s Eve. What the fuck are you doing on New Years Eve?

It’s Christmas Day. Can you believe it, but my family and I are sitting down to a Christmas dinner? Here is a picture of it. Look at all the cooking I did. I am such a good cook. Here is another photo, just of the bits of the Christmas dinner I cooked. Hang on, I just need to LiveTweet the Queen’s Speech because I have political views that are sometimes sharp and funny because I am a successful woman. 

On Boxing Day we go for a walk. You know this, because I have told you. Here are some photos of us on the walk. I ate too much yesterday. You know this because I have told you I ate too much. And, just in case you’re worried I didn’t eat too much because I’m not quite doing it all properly, here is a photo of an empty Terry’s Chocolate Orange wrapper. That is proof.

New Year’s Eve. New Year’s Eve. What the fuck are you doing for New Year’s Eve?

OH MY GOD. I CAN’T BELIEVE 2013 IS OVER. I’VE HAD SUCH AN AMAZING YEAR. Here is a collage I’ve made of all the pictures that I took this year. I have tagged all of you to remind you that I had an amazing year and you are part of that. We all had amazing years because we took some photos because we are successful women.

It’s New Years Eve! What are you doing? What are you doing? I am going to twelve hundred thousand parties but I MUST be in London for the fireworks. How else am I supposed to film the fireworks on my phone and put it up on Facebook with a caption saying ‘Best fireworks I’ve ever seen, best New Year’s I’ve ever had’. 

MIDNIGHT, IT’S MIDNIGHT. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. I really mean that because I put it in a status. I am going to quit smoking and drinking too much alcohol so that you know that I smoke and drink which are cool things to do.

OMFG I’m so hungover. Because I drank sooooooooooo much last night. Great new year though.

It is Janurary 2. I am dieting for my New Year’s resolution. What do you mean I don’t need to? Aww, thanks, love, but really I am fat. No, I am! I just dress really well for my shape. I totally need to diet and detox. Here’s a link to my running diary. I have just run 4.2 miles. 

- HT