No I do not want to steam clean my vagina, thanks.
Hey you. Thought you were going home for some exciting fun times this evening? Think again, because you probably smell, you're definitely too hairy, and you won't be ready for sex until you've had something called Pyruvic acid smothered all over your neck and breasts. Don't worry, it's a wonderful treatment that will banish all the wrinkles from your décolletage. Getting boudoir ready may set you back more than 850 of your English pounds, but are you really prepared for a sexual encounter without having all your body hair ripped off, your vagina rejuvenated and fat from your stomach injected into your arse? Thought not, you disgusting mess of a human.
It used to be so easy; a quick shower before sex with someone you met on the 55 bus. Not anymore ladies, no, no. Now it's all about spending hours getting yourself ready for the main event. Not mentally ready (Cosmo, which once wrote that you should prepare for a seductive encounter 'several days in advance' has that bit covered), or ready by making sure you protect yourself against STDs, pregnancy and the like; we're talking BODY READY. You may think you already are, but the Daily Mail is here to tell you you're not. In my very own personal highlight of today's Femail Section, an article entitled "The £850 pre-sex package: Most extreme 'vajacial' yet offers vaginal rejuvenation, laser hair removal and cleavage peel service to 'boost women's confidence' in bed", we can learn just how much is wrong with our bodies before being told to spend nearly a grand to put it right. Hooray.
Sadly, perhaps this is the way things are going. After all, if you'd unveiled a vajazzled vagina to a group of friends 30 years ago, exclaiming "this is the future", they'd have likely come to the conclusion that either you were on drugs or they were. Yet here we are, exposed (literally) to a bunch of made-for-porn genitals and a bit of TOWIE, and some of us can't wait to put adhesives on one of the more sensitive areas of our bodies. Except it doesn't bloody stop there; according to the DM part of being ready for sex now includes (but I'm sure isn't limited to): having a neckline peel, getting the hair lasered off your legs, AQ Vaginal Rejuvenating System, and steam cleaning your vagina. What now? Because apparently having a shower like a normal human being just isn't enough to make you clean, you filthy dirtbag. It doesn't look like even Vagisil or Femfresh or any of those other 'dirty fanny' products are enough, because according to the DM, only steam will leave your vagina "squeaky clean". Leaving aside the fact that I don't want squeaky anything to be associated with my genitals, what is this obsession with making vaginas out to be a.) disgusting and b.) in need of some kind of extra-strength cleaning agent? The day I see a deep-cleaning penis treatment is the beginning of the revolution, my friends, because I've never seen an article telling men to fit into a "sex-ready" mould that all the ladies will love.
Even more annoying is the phrase "boudoir ready" (why does the word 'boudoir' in this article make me want to rip my eyelids off?) I have a regular bedroom DM, I am not living in some kind of dream sex land where I swan about in negligee fawning over copies of Men and Motors and waiting for my beloved to come and nuzzle my recently-epilated shins. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.
It's not so much the fact that someone actually came up with these treatments ‒ if you want to inject fat from your stomach into your arse, well that's just dandy – it's that it's yet another example of everyday women being fed the message that their bodies are not good enough. It's not just the magazines that circle "problem areas" on celebrities' bodies, the faddy diets they push, the underweight models presented as the ideal, the women encouraged to lose baby weight fast; it's that all of these things, and more, drip feed us information that we need to change ourseves in order to be acceptable. We are too fat, too thin, too hairy, too pale – and any attempt to protest this blatant arseholery is met by cries of "you're just jealous". Well, hey there haters, did it ever occur to you that telling women they need to spend 850 fucking quid (context: London rent, more than half the UK average paycheque, 11 weeks' worth of food shopping for a family of four) to be "ready" for sex isn't particularly female friendly?
Still, there is a small mention of how some of the treatments can apparently increase pleasure (just in case you were bored of being put under pressure about your body and felt like your ability to achieve orgasm needed scrutiny instead) This will supposedly help us "feel more confident in bed". Funny, I would have thought the best way to do that would be to say: listen up ladies, fuck the pre-sex package, just go get some. The end.