New Technology Means That No One But Prince Charming Shall Ever Gaze Upon Your Holy Tits

GIF via The Daily Dot

CLASH, go the symbols: Behold! The Magic Bra! BOOM, go the drums: The Magic Bra only opens when confronted with true love! LOUD, go the other drums: for no one but a handsome prince will gaze upon your Holy tits! Yes, Vagenda readers: as numerous newspaper reports have recently informed us: a group of Japanese underwear technicians have created the final word in anti-rape wear; The Magic Bra.

According to their Human Sexuality Specialist (disappointingly not one being played by Harrison Ford in Witness), women experience an increase in physical excitement when they are in love. As women only ever remove their bras to have sex and as the only motivation to have sex is True Love the next step was painfully clear to these boffins. Develop a bra that responds to women’s increased heart rate when they clap eyes on Prince(cess) Charming, by popping open automatically. OBVS. 

The bra making company, Ravijour, have not only consulted a Human Sexuality Specialist, but have also invested much time into investigating 'the ladies's primary motivations and lady-heart flutterers. Apparently, 'watching horror movie' [-sic], 'eating spicy food' and 'shopping' are our main life activities. Who knew?

Worry not, however, the Magic Bra has been carefully calibrated to recognise the difference between the physical effects of annihilating two naans and a bhuna in one sitting and catching sight of your True Love’s moustache trimmer. We’re also safe to go jogging. But, be warned: the second your True Love strolls into view, the Magic Bra will hit the deck. Presumably only once you’ve courted, had the banns read and got married (I imagine with your bra around your ankles the entire time?) can the coitus begin!

To demonstrate how effective these bras are at keeping women sexually submissive - Sorry, let me rephrase that, my Magic Bra is a bit tight this morning and thus I am feeling feministically crabby. 

Correction: to demonstrate how effective these bras are at reinforcing a puritanical, heteronormative, victim blaming culture... Dammit! Ahem. To demonstrate just how 'effective' these bras are, Ravijour produced a promo featuring all the crusty guys who are currently trying to burrow their way into your normal underwear.

There’s the The Animal, The Flash Guy and The Technician; a titillating (hur hur) line up of predatory, unwanted men who now, thanks to the product, will no longer be able to rape you! 

OK, so here's what’s really going on here. The Magic Bra isn’t just a slightly creepy way for you to tell your guy or gal that you love them for the first time: “Hey, I’ve got something to tell you. Let me just take off my shirt and gaze at your face while you cuddle a puppy and fondle that bunch of flowers. Ok. Wait for it. Huurghghhh ahh, yes, my Magic Bra has fallen off, I love you!” Oh no. By introducing us to The Animal and chums, the bra makers are acknowledging that women receive an almost constant barrage of sexual harassment and, in their eyes, the only thing we can do to stop this is shell out for a pretty heart monitor so at least while these guys are groping us they’ll be denied a bit of hand on nipple action. 

I get that these boffins are but humble bap manipulators and not responsible for all sexual aggression. But come on guys. If you like the idea of electricity and underwear, I’m sure there are better places those currents could be directed (indeed, we've been at the receiving end of several press releases this week - Ed.) Clearly there’s a whole world of underwear research going on out there. Nevertheless, there seems to be a troubling gap between research into men’s man-part cradlers and women’s modesty shields. Where are all the chastity boxers? Specialist websites, you say? Not good enough. If a press release about chastity bras are prompting the kind of media frenzy they did this week, then I want the male equivalent to be front page news. 

If you’re a man, underwear technicians are always going to be most concerned with comfort. Take these handy adjustable pants! They go from being a pair of normal kegs to looking like a PG Tips two string teabag in no time at all! If you’re a woman, meanwhile, it’s anti-rape pants or, at a push, something to stop all your gross smells and secretions leaking out.

The problem here is that people will pay far more attention to creating non-rip underwear for women (which ignores the elements of intimidation and coercion that accompany the majority of rapes) and too little attention to educating men and women about consent. This week has seen calls for consent to be taught in schools as part of mandatory sex ed. I don't know how many times I need to say this, but THAT is what we need to be focusing on. Because there is something seriously wrong when a company's response to the threat of rape is to monetise and belittle the victims.

Not to worry though, if you are a wanton slag and therefore want to fuck someone towards whom you have no romantic feelings, you could always just snort half a gram of gak. Apparently it has the same effect. 

- BD