Ten Things You Didn't Know About Your Bikini Line, You Disgusting Hairy Beast

The end of an old year and the beginning of an old one is traditionally a time for introspection and reflection, and nothing epitomises this more than those 'Year in Review Years' that thankfully, we've just about seen the last of. And thank fuck for that. 

Unfortunately for me, just as I thought I was rid of this scourge, I happened across one in particular that made my blood boil. It's from the Marie Claire website, last month, and is presumably tailored towards those poor unfortunate souls who are wringing their hands over how to keep up with the latest fur trim fash. Yes, it's Ten Things You Didn't Know About Your Bikini Line in 2013. 

From festive décor to how-to-make-your-legs-look-longer-by-trimming-your-pubes-into-a-flattering-strip (apparently this is a thing), they've really raided the crazy bin in their attempts to guide you on pruning your lady garden in a sociably acceptable way. 'What were women really doing with their bikini lines in 2013?' asks the blurb. 'We investigate...'

Hopefully not too closely. 

So here's the 411 on the vag:

Made up factoid #1. 'Bikini Waxing Follows Seasonal Trends'

'The heart Brazilian is always very popular on Valentine's Day,' chirps Chloe Scriminger, Salon Trainer at the not-at-all sinister sounding Ministry of Waxing. 'Whereas at Christmas time we get a lot of requests for Christmas trees. One of the most popular shapes will always be an initial though, whether that's their's or a partner's.'

There you go. If you haven't got Santa Claus/the Easter Bunny/a Jack-o-Lantern (delete as appropriate according to season), you're not short of options. You can always whip off your knickers to reveal your lover's own initial artistically carved onto your fanny. Because that's not at all creepy.

Made up factoid #2. Belfies are causing hairy crack anxiety because, anxiety

It's not enough to strip your front-bottom of nature's fluff. You now have to worry about your disgusting hairy arse. According to Marie Claire, the rise in the 'belfie' – in which s'leb Tweets a snap of their own shapely behind – means that bum waxing is on the rise (HOW SHOEHORNED IN CAN A TREND BE? - Ed.) Apparently a glimpse of a rogue hair nestling between your buttocks when you're taking pictures of your arse in the mirror to post on Facebook is now something we all need to be worrying about now. 

Made up factoid #3. Men are shaving their balls because, Olympics

It's alright! This totes isn't a sexist piece! The men get waxed too y'know! Ever since the Olympics, men have been wandering into waxing salons demanding 'boyzillians'. Chloe Scrimager is quoted again. 'They (WHO?) choose to remove all of their body hair', she raves. And yet, men's short and curlies seem to be present and correct, as per. 

Funny that. 

Made up factoid #4. You need to wax everywhere because, Gwyneth Paltrow 

'The effect of celebrities on society is becoming obvious', they say, under a piccy of Gwynnie in a sheer panelled dress. Oh Marie Claire, you Einstein of the glossies. It's not obvious here what you're trying to say at all. Does Gwyneth shave her hips or something? Is that what you mean by 'well groomed from head-to-toe'? Are you advocating the naked baby look? I am so confused right now. 

Probably-not-made-up-but-not-exactly-interesting-factoid #5. Technology exists. 

Guys! Waxing salons are like, so with it now you can book your sesh on Facebook! 'And we use iPads to show our clients videos and past campaigns of our treatments,' tells Chloe. Hopefully they asked their customers' permission before filming a close up of their vaginas and bumholes being stripped of all hair by a ruthlessly efficient beautician. Thems some videos I never want to see.

Made up factoid #6. Bikini Waxing Can Be More Slimming than Control Underwear! 

That's right laydeees! When the time comes to unpack your shrink wrapped self from its girdled cloisters, in other words, when it's time for lurve, he'll never notice your big fat belly of yours because your flattering bikini line will make your legs look really, really long! Oh what? You didn't know that your average man about to do the bad thang was actually looking for the next part of your imperfect body to judge? You do now. And you can be one step ahead of the dunderhead by tearing it all off. But before you do, take it from me: the only thing that a brazilian might help look slightly thinner is probably your snatch. Look out , trend forcasters, for 'fat vagina' is hotly tipped to be the new 2014 body anxiety of choice. 

Made up factoid #7. Television shows control your vagina

Everyone knows that Kim Kardashian is a great role model for everyday, attainable, un-airbrushed, non-manipulated image maintenance. Duh. So when she got her entire body lasered on TV, fans decided they too must lose every unsightly hair that dared to emerge from their skin. Plus there's TOWIE and their infamous vajazzles – because your vagina's just not quite twinkly enough without a tasteful sprinkling of Swarovski. “We are getting more requests for 'completely hair free, with a bit of bling',” confirms Chloe, proving that when it comes to fashion and sex, there's nothing quite like revealing what appears to be a Faberge egg when you pull your pants down. How many women actually do take their fanny maintenance guidance from reality television is, of course, not mentioned. 

Made up factoid #8. Your bald cootch is recession-proof

Did you know that despite having fewer pennies to spend thanks to that PESKY RECESSION WOTSIT, us girls are actually spending more on beauty treatments? I'm not sure what poll Marie Claire consulted for that little fact, but apparently now beauty is 'affordable, accessible and makes people feel good, and confident about themselves'. So how come this article isn't making me feel good or comfortable about myself? And how come anal bleaching costs so much? Even the MyPinkWink Cream anal bleaching home kit costs $38! I don't have that kind of money. Even if it does, according to reviews, 'make your anus glow in the dark.' 

No-shit-duh bonus factoid #9. You might not actually know about the correct whereabouts of your own fanny hair, and therefore need someone cleverer to show you

Now ladies. Did you know that your inner labia doesn't actually grow hair?! Madness! It's your outer labia that does the naughty sprouting of fur, you poor hairy, ugly fool! So you're best to leave it to the 'intimate waxing experts', who know these things, and pay a large amount of cash to make sure you don't try and traumatise your sensitive inner labia with a dollop of the hot stuff only to realise there was no hair there in the first place. What would you do without us, eh? Stop breathing, probably. 

(What this has to do with the year 2013 is anyone's guess. Perhaps that year saw an outbreak of inner labia alopecia and we're just not up to date enough.)

No-shit-duh bonus factoid #10. You can't trust some people to tear a trip of your pubes

Double dipping. The hazards. Not everyone who's qualified to wax your pins is trained enough to whip the ugly stuff off the underside of your vag. That bit requires a true artist. So be careful who you book with and take them to task if they double dip their wand in hot wax.

Or, y'know, you could just...not? After all, according to alternative list New York Magazine's 9 Signs the Bush Was Back in 2013, you needn't have bothered. Wait...what did I just read?

- HM