My vagina
stinks. Or at least, that’s what my TV keeps telling me. Every time I’ve
settled down to catch up on TOWIE (ahem) lately, a cartoon woman hiding behind
a pot plant tells me that my vagina is one gigantic stinking sweat gland. But
it’s OK - don’t panic! Because for just over a fiver, I can restore my dignity with
Vagisil. Its “light and clean scent”
will destinkify my muff so that unlike pot plant lady, I don’t have to hide
away. This is one sure-fire way to protect myself from a co-worker announcing to the media how I couldn’t keep my partner because my “pussy stinks”.
Apparently, this
guff (the Vagisil part, rather than Real Housewives – the jury’s still out on
that one) is actually all about empowering women: Vagisil have seen “first-hand that when women take control of
their intimate health, they are more focused, productive, comfortable and
confident.” Except this isn’t about health, is it? It’s about Febreeze for
fannies. And it’s from a parent company, Combe, that was started by a man and whose
products for men unsurprisingly steer clear of their genitalia despite declaring
open season on ours. What’s next? Commentaries on Theresa May’s vaginal pH
instead of her shoes? Tea time adverts for anal bleaching? It’s ok for me – I’m
stupid enough to be watching TOWIE and old enough to be angered rather than
made anxious by manufactured insecurities. But what about younger girls who are
growing up bombarded by sanitised porn muffs and Snapchat sexting? It won’t be
so patently ridiculous to them; it’ll become a real, purse-emptying anxiety.
Vagisil sell a
whole range of products to keep our “intimate
areas” smelling sweet: wipes, powders, sprays, creams…They even have their
own gynaecologist, Dr Adelaide Nardone, paid to imply in carefully worded
videos that these products have something to do with vaginal health. All they
need now is Britney or J.Lo to bring out their own pussy perfume and we’re
away. Muff musk, anyone?
Dr Nardone’s been
caught out plying Vagisil’s wares in the past on a
Fox segment ingeniously titled “Is your
vagina depressed?” without making it clear to viewers that she’s paid by the
company. And her seduction recommendations in 1999’s Growing
Younger: Breakthrough Age-Defying Secrets for
Women should give you an
idea of what side of the feminism fence she’s sitting on: “put on a party dress or a teddy…even if it is just you and your husband,
put on something nice. You’ll feel like a woman.” Well, I don’t know about
you but me, my stinky vagina, and my holey PJs feel womanly already, Adelaide, ta very much.
It’s notable
that Vagisil is “proud to support” the Half the Sky Movement which aims to end
the oppression of women and girls. It “takes
on tough topics like FGM”. All very laudable - until you wrap it up in
Vagisil’s mission “to improve the intimate
health of women everywhere”, at which point I start to feel more nauseated
than someone getting up close and personal with my unperfumed fanny. Do I feel
100% comfortable about a company that inculcates anxieties and encourages women
to judge themselves based on the activity of genital sweat glands leading the
way on ending female oppression? “May
every woman know she is valued, she is important, and she is worthy of respect,”
says their Half the Sky promo video. Y’know, so long as she buys pussy cleaner.
The Real Women
section of Vagisil’s website gives this delightful endorsement from Brandi, 28:
“I love the Vagisil Odour Shield Wash because it's important
to me to have something that's going to last all day long. I don't want to be
worried that I need to take a shower when I just want to plop down on my couch
and hang out with my guy. With Vagisil Wash I feel like I have an added layer
of protection there that I don't normally have.”
But the thing is, Brandi, I
think our tastes in men must differ quite a bit. Because, while we’re doing
sexism, I like a bit of cave in my man – you know, a boyfriend who’s not afraid
to get his face right up in the pungent lap of life. Maybe instead of spending
your hard-earned cash on this crap, you might want to look for a man who’s not
afraid of a bit of pussy perfume au naturel. I’ll leave the last word to
Vagisil: 'If you have a question, comment
or even a compliment for our team, you can always email us at office@combe.co.uk.'
-EK
